Rejected Again…c’est la guerre

So I received a pretty big rejection today. I’ve written of the wonderful nonprofit that was helping me. Tonight was the monthly celebration night where birthdays are recognized or other memorable things other participants have accomplished. I wasn’t going to go as I physically feel pretty awful, but decided last minute that celebrating others and being around people was exactly what I needed no matter how physically draining it would be. This nonprofit has been a true lifeline for me.

Part of the text I received tonight was, “it sounds like you have a lot going on. It would be best if you skipped this months celebration night”. The text wasn’t even the hard part, it was just the lack of communication as to really why.

I will be the first to tell you I’m an intense person. I’ve lived an intense life. The thoughts in my brain are intense. Basically, my life experience is just very intense. I’ve been called “highly sensitive”.

I’m also learning to recognize when my intensity becomes problematic and scale back and apologize as necessary. I just didn’t think I had to scale back with an organization that helps traumatized women. Apparently, I really got indoctrinated that I’m #toomuch tonight.

I also asked someone I really trust to be honest why I keep facing rejection, and her reply was, “you’re emotionally draining”. (She also told me I was wonderful so it doesn’t sound that awful.) I can agree with that statement, well both statements, but it still hurts.

The hardest part is not having anyone willing to stand beside me as I try to figure out what is enough without losing my authenticity or becoming draining. Sadly, every place I genuinely thought it was safe for me to figure it out has been faced with rejection.

Maybe this organization is rejecting me for tonight, or maybe it’s forever. I don’t know as there’s no communication. That’s the hardest part. If they could just say, “you did x,y,z wrong”, I would know. I could make myself better. I could form real change in who I am for the better.

So instead of coming off the energy boost I would have had from being around others and getting to see others joy, I’m lying here in very intense physical pain and feeling so sad, devastated, and rejected.

Maybe I haven’t found my tribe yet? Maybe I am a tribe of one. I’m trying to go into my optimistic self and believe it happened for a reason, but I think I’ll honor my feelings and feel the huge grief of being rejected again.

It’s ok. Loneliness is good for you, right? In all honesty, it hurts, like really really bad.

Love

Lizzie

Happy Valentine’s Day… I Guess

(Hoping my spoonie readers appreciate this one. It’s the most happy and loving I can muster today)

Last year, this day made me happy. My son was living with me, I was staying with a family that I thought I would get to call mine, I was a whole lot healthier, and had just begun on my new quest engaging in self love ad authenticity.

This year, I received a really bad kidney infection, a possible kidney stone(s), no call from my son (not his fault, he’s hanging out with family that aren’t necessarily in my camp), and 2 spam happy Valentine’s Day messages on Facebook messenger.

I had this beautiful plan to paint Valentine’s for a couple significant people in my life, but instead I’m lying here in horrible pain and fatigue and feeling a lot of disappointment that I’ve had to stop the treatment I was doing to try and recover a bit as it causes kidney stones. Also mad that I’m not painting Valentine’s, like really mad about that!!

Do you ever wonder when all the difficulties will ever stop? I do for sure. I get everyone suffers as it’s the human condition, blah blah blah, but I feel like I’m ready for steadiness and some simplicity.

I’m not a simple person. If you read my post, #toomuch that’s who I am and that’s my life.

It’s not that I’m overly or pathologically depressed, but I feel my sadness is warranted on a day that’s supposed to be full of love and definitely not feeling the love.

Anyone else having a similarly hard time with this holiday? I’m sure someone is, but for those of you getting to celebrate today, definitely enjoy. True love is hard to come by whether it be a friend or partner.

In pain and sadness and always love,

Lizzie

Doing More Work. My Trauma is Obviously Stored in My Body

(A picture mishap, but I liked the intense sun it captured)

There’s no question that trauma and physical illnesses are connected. I’ve written about it before. Many people with trauma never get diagnosed for their physical complaints and are left being told it’s “just” anxiety. That was me for many years.

I guess I got lucky in the sense that my physical complaints have all been backed by lab testing, imaging, testing, etc, so my physical ailments are “real” now. My problem has been that every time I feel some stress, I feel so much worse. My feeling worse is always backed up again by testing of some sort, but my gut feeling is that I need to do more trauma work.

I’ve avoided doing much in this sense as I worked really hard the last couple months of 2017 through going to treatment for my trauma and felt like I could take on the world.

Trauma treatment DID help. I’m not plagued by horrible anxiety or depression and have learned to feel my feelings and take good care of myself and know true peace… So clearly it helped, but my trauma is stored in my cells. My physical body remembers even though my cognitive self has processed it.

I’m lucky that I met a therapist around a year ago who I initially was going to go to group therapy with. He’s no regular therapist like I’ve ever met. He’s a huge advocate of yoga and meditation and really processing what’s in your body. He’s already done lots of meditation with me over the past several months that was immensely helpful.

Anyway, our new focus will be on somatic processing and shadow work as I reached out to him yesterday with a call for help! I have never wanted to do EMDR as I don’t feel it’s my path. I just wanted to let people know there are ways to process trauma other than EMDR or just talking about it.

I’m excited to start, and I’ll keep you updated on the process.

I’m proud of myself for feeling grounded enough, present enough, and peaceful enough to take this next step.

My health will never be perfect, but this will compliment the incredible job my medical team is doing to try to get me to a place where I can have some kind of life again where I actually leave the house.

If you are interested in this type of therapy work, look for a “hakomi” trained therapist or psychologist.

Love

Lizzie

Loneliness Part 2

I’ve explored loneliness before and how it’s kind of becoming the American condition at least. I’m lonely. I don’t have people and it was made VERY clear today.

I have been sick for the past two days. Not just my usual symptoms, but extremely sick. Yesterday I couldn’t move and couldn’t speak for hours. My brain was still working, but the words wouldn’t come out right. I was too weak to even get a glass of water.

Today, when I could muster the energy, I was crawling to the bathroom and even laying on the floor to take a break as I had debilitating fatigue and dizziness. It’s happened before, but never for 2 continuous days. Even as I write this, I still have no strength to get up, but I was just so struck by how alone I am and wanted to share as I know I’m not the only one.

So one person texted (thank goodness) and my case manager called after literally begging her to. I posted on Facebook that I was really sick thinking someone else would actually call or care or something? You want to know who came over to help? NO ONE!! One text and one call from my case manager.

I never go public when I’m so sick I can’t even get a glass of water, but I thought I should start. I think I paint an overly rosy view of how well I am and how easy it is.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life, I just hate the feeling that no one cares. I hate the feeling that no one offered to at least bring me water (well the person that texted asked if I needed something earlier, but I was too weak and cognitively messed up to figure it out). I just can’t believe I can put out on a public platform how sick I am and no one cares.

I’m used to doing it alone. I’ve done it alone my whole life. I’m independent. I take care of myself. I’m just tired of living that way. I NEED people, especially now. I was supposed to have an outpatient surgical medical procedure and can’t even do that as there’s NO ONE who has the time to stay with me all day.

I don’t think I’m a horrible person so that’s why I’m alone. I think I’m a lost person who never learned to attach and navigating attachment as a 42 year old woman is confusing and impossible.

If anyone has any insight on how you make AND keep connections, please let me know. I seem to be absolutely failing in that area and would love advice from other trauma survivors on how you found friends, love, or anyone who has consistently stayed in your life.

Remember, you can remain anonymous in commenting. But PLEASE give me your insights. I’m dying from loneliness and just want a friend.

If you’re interested in finding me on Facebook, search “Jennifer Lizzie”, but also please message me that you know me from the blog as I don’t friend people randomly. I’m obviously way more honest here, but just putting it out there!

Help

Lizzie

Spiritually Void No More

Spirituality can be a difficult subject for even the most “normal” of us. I denied myself a spiritual life up until a little over a year ago when I began to explore what spirituality really meant for me.

My mom told me that I was purely evil inside and that my soul was black. Her mantra to me was, “god would never love a person like you”. I’m sorry if that was triggering to hear, but I tell you as I have come to realize I’m not the only one who was told these damaging things, believed them wholeheartedly, and thought I was the only “evil” person since birth roaming the planet. I’m not evil and if someone told you the same thing, you are NOT evil either.

Anyway, so it probably makes sense why I would avoid spirituality all together. Why would I explore something that had been so wrongly taken from me?

It’s been a slow process to explore. I first jumped with both feet in asking everyone I knew questions about their spiritual life. It was overwhelming as I wasn’t learning about spirituality, I was learning about people’s religions. I’m not ready for that for a whole different reason I can get into another time.

I met a woman last March who is so spiritual and insightful and recommended i read “The Untethered Soul”. That book began to open my eyes to real spirituality and not religion.

Spirituality for me right now is about recognizing the cycles in nature and how they continue without fail. It’s not only recognizing the cycles, but when something is particularly striking to me and beautiful, I take a moment to reflect on it and connect it to the cycles in my own life. The content and joyous times cycle with feelings that hurt and are painful, but they always cycle back around for me, just like in nature.

It may sound strange, but I’m particularly looking forward to spring this year to notice the blossoms on the trees as they bud out to turn to beautiful flowers. It’s not because spring, budding trees are beautiful, but because I need to see all these “dead” trees of winter be born again to something wonderful. I’m using the cycles of nature to keep myself motivated to continue on and be the best I can in my own life.

This picture I took out the window yesterday of the sunrise. The cycle of the sun rising and setting moves me more than I can express.

Enjoy the cycles around you. Everything keeps going around from death to beauty to homeostasis.

Love

Lizzie

The Light will Just Continue

Last weekend was very hard for me. I had a beautiful vision of what it would be, then nothing. Not only nothing, but ended up bed bound with being sick from the physical stuff and allowed the emotional stuff to get me too.

I’m usually on top of things overpowering me, but I also realize my need to constantly grieve. I think my body said, “Lizzie, we are going to make you feel so sick that you have no choice to be completely still and grieve”. Grieving sucks. It’s hard. It’s emotionally painful and now, physically painful too.

I’m alone most of the time. I was grieving over the weekend as my body hurt so much and I desperately wished someone could have just come to sit with me for a bit. There isn’t anyone right now. I’m building to make connections, but new connections are hard when your health keeps you mostly bound to the house.

I get in the mindset that no one cares anyway, well the people I wish would care don’t, but I have to give it up. I can’t open myself to being cared about if I wish my mom had or my old chosen family did. None of them do, but new people are starting to care.

I’m very scattered in my thoughts tonight, so I’ll stop, but I wanted to share this painting I did last night. After having a horribly painful weekend, this idea came to me and realized that even through lots of painful tears, I still continue on.

You do too, ok?

Love

Lizzie