One of the hallmarks of intense trauma that is being researched a lot today is the effects of trauma on physical health. I will just say my physical health has been horrendous, especially this past 6 months. It’s left me with a bit of an existential crisis, realizing that none of us truly know how much longer we will walk this earth. My mortality has become increasingly evident and know I have to do what’s best for me. I have allowed the people who tormented and tortured me as a child and into adulthood to truly live my life, not me. I’m taking it back. It’s finally my time to do it for me.
I feel like I have become complacent in my pain and knowing that our end can always be near has me feeling like I’m done with living with emotional and physical pain. I’m ready to live and thrive the best I can. Of course, my symptoms of CPTSD don’t just leave me because I decide they will. Those self deprecating thoughts, awkwardness around people, wanting to isolate, feeling like I’m stupid, and no one could ever possibly like me creep up regularly. How could they not? It’s all I’ve been taught and told and truly believed for 41 years.
What I do know, is that it’s no way to live. In fact, it sucks. I see people engaging in life and it feels like everyone is content, happy even, while I’m left behind to just feel depressed, anxious, and alone. The truth is, everyone wears a mask they hide behind. I just think people with CPTSD are masters at it. I have had the biggest smile on my face and told everyone, “I feel amazing”, to only attempt suicide later that night. That is true loneliness. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m going to tell people about my struggle. If they can handle it, and stay, I would say they are a keeper! I don’t know though. I know nothing about human relationships. I am desperately trying to figure it out!
Anyone have any suggestions on their own authenticity and how it came about or is developing???