Existential Crisis

One of the hallmarks of intense trauma that is being researched a lot today is the effects of trauma on physical health. I will just say my physical health has been horrendous, especially this past 6 months. It’s left me with a bit of an existential crisis, realizing that none of us truly know how much longer we will walk this earth. My mortality has become increasingly evident and know I have to do what’s best for me. I have allowed the people who tormented and tortured me as a child and into adulthood to truly live my life, not me. I’m taking it back. It’s finally my time to do it for me.

I feel like I have become complacent in my pain and knowing that our end can always be near has me feeling like I’m done with living with emotional and physical pain. I’m ready to live and thrive the best I can. Of course, my symptoms of CPTSD don’t just leave me because I decide they will. Those self deprecating thoughts, awkwardness around people, wanting to isolate, feeling like I’m stupid, and no one could ever possibly like me creep up regularly. How could they not? It’s all I’ve been taught and told and truly believed for 41 years.

What I do know, is that it’s no way to live. In fact, it sucks. I see people engaging in life and it feels like everyone is content, happy even, while I’m left behind to just feel depressed, anxious, and alone. The truth is, everyone wears a mask they hide behind. I just think people with CPTSD are masters at it. I have had the biggest smile on my face and told everyone, “I feel amazing”, to only attempt suicide later that night. That is true loneliness. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m going to tell people about my struggle. If they can handle it, and stay, I would say they are a keeper! I don’t know though. I know nothing about human relationships. I am desperately trying to figure it out!

Anyone have any suggestions on their own authenticity and how it came about or is developing???

Love

Lizzie

4 thoughts on “Existential Crisis”

  1. I have attempted suicide after telling everyone that everything was okay and not letting anyone know I was hurting. I didn’t tell anyone about it and I lied to myself and others about it being an actual attempt. I didn’t want anyone’s help. I realized later that I was hurting myself and everyone who saw me in pain and tried to help me. I didn’t want to let them in even though they were on my side and loved me. They gave me the opportunity to come to The Refuge to get help and I finally took it. Going to The Refuge was the best decision I ever made and it saved my life. I was able to heal and process the trauma that I had been suffering from for so many years. I’m so thankful for everyone that loved me and didn’t give up on me. I’m thankful to myself for taking that chance and creating a new Refuge family for myself, a family that loves and accepts me for who I am.

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    1. Nancy, I’m glad you never gave up. You are a gift to this planet! Please continue to tell your story. The more we share about how alone we have all felt, the more the chance the loneliness for all of us will end, and we will all have a chance to be real in our feelings.

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  2. I struggle with people because the feelings they say don’t match there actions. So I have a habit of not showing much real emotion because it will be used later to hurt me. So to show vulnerability is scary. So the less I say or show is how I protect myself. I say I’m ok because it’s what I do!

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    1. I believe it’s what we all do to some extent. I’ve said I was ok to only be hurting so deeply at the same time that the pain was almost unbearable. I was brought up that the only acceptable emotion was happiness and that was all people wanted to see. I believe you have to find a balance. Of course, you can’t show all your pain all the time to all people, but letting it out slowly and testing the waters with who it is ok with is a good start. I’m finding people that can deal with the pain I show are the people I genuinely want to keep in my life. If they can deal with my pain, then they can definitively deal with and appreciate the good times with me too! Love to you

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