The beginning of ME!

 

I wasn’t born crazy. I don’t even think I was born with the propensity to be crazy. My family made me crazy. I think my light was shining just a little too bright the day I was born, so my family had to do everything to dim it. I think most everyone affected by CPTSD is just a little too bright for the world subsequently, our tormentors do their best to take it out of us. Sadly, they often succeed as my own family had for most of my life.
About a year ago, I realized I was more sad and depressed and suicidal than I had ever been. I knew I had to take my life back and figure out who I really was. I was tired of having no idea who I was or who I wanted to be or what gave me passion. I had decided to be authentic. What the heck does that mean?? CPTSD makes it so you have no idea who you are. You have no idea how to deal with other people, and navigating this earth feels very foreign as no one ever gave you a safe role model on how to do it.
This blog isn’t only for those afflicted with CPTSD. I hope anyone who has experienced intense suffering that has caused you to question who you really want to be and how you truly want to relate to this world will follow me as I journey to figure it out. This world is LONELY! Besides professional mental health help, I had wished I had a place or person to turn that understood my experience as I feel all alone and still do most of the time. What I’m learning is suffering is a human experience and when we suffer, we need each other. Sadly, the times I am suffering the most are the times I withdraw the most too. I retreat into myself as I feel no one understands my pain. Believe it or not, I DO and I WANT TO!! Please post your comments, and I will do my best to respond. Maybe, just maybe, we can form a community of real connection where no one has to do their suffering alone.
I have decided to find meaning in my pain by sharing my pain so that my fellow humans can begin to share their pain too. Ready for a cliché? Well, “sharing is caring”.
All I know is my life has been incredibly painful, but I’m ready to begin anew as a person I want to be. A person that I like. A person who gives me peace. A person I enjoy spending time with. Even if I live in solitude for deciding to take care of myself first, at least I have me, a best friend that will never leave.
This blog is different in that it won’t be scholarly or clinical, but real life in how I navigate choosing to finally live with CPTSD, and by live, I don’t just mean survive, I mean thrive. Some days are amazing. Some days are horribly painful and never can imagine getting through those emotions. And then there are my favorite days lately. Those are the days where I just am, doing what I love, which is writing and creating art about my healing path.
Please join me! I have a vision of a healing community that will be a success I can say I actually chose to do myself! Let us join together in our pain to heal together and all become authentic. The world will be better, don’t you think??
Love
Lizzie

 

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