(My favorite wildflower I see in the Sierra Nevada. I feel like a wildflower sometimes–what caused me to be in this exact spot? I feel beautiful, but I’m really just a useless, weed.)
When I decided to start setting boundaries for myself and how I would allow others to treat me, instead of making all these huge gains that I thought I would receive, I began to experience real loss. I had in my mind that people would have more respect for me and not walk all over me. What a huge, big, wrong I had made!!! There are people I’ve known over 10 years that have walked out of my life. I suppose it’s a good thing, and deep down I know I’m doing what’s best for me, but it HURTS!!! It hurts to be alone so much of the time. It hurts to think that maybe I am completely in the wrong and that it’s truly me who is screwing it all up. The interesting thing is that when I find myself going back to those people as I’m desperate for some kind of companionship, they really only make me feel bad. The people of my past knew a Lizzie that would give and give and give to the detriment of myself. If someone asked, I gave, whether I had the energy, time, or money. I just did it as I thought that’s what you did.
About 2 years ago, I became extremely sick with a mystery illness. At the time, I was diagnosed with transverse myelitis, which is a very devastating diagnosis. Essentially, I couldn’t walk as my legs went numb. It was this illness that made me realize that all the giving I had done for other people was not going to be reciprocated on any level. In fact it was the beginning of my loneliness. I literally couldn’t give anymore as I was fighting to just do basic things. My friends didn’t help. People were suddenly too busy for me. Granted, I needed a lot of help, but I truly didn’t get much. It was an extremely sad realization that led me on a crazy journey I’ll write about more later.
As I keep saying, I don’t understand human relationships, but the part I don’t understand the most, is human cruelty. My “friends” had turned cruel. I couldn’t figure it out. I still can’t.
My son and I went camping for 3 days as I really just needed to reconnect with nature. As he slept peacefully at night, tired from so much fresh air and swimming and hiking, I found myself crying with profound sadness. I was sad, because I’ve lost so much. I haven’t necessarily lost people to death, but I have certainly had losses. I realized in that moment, I was grieving losing friends that weren’t truly friends. I was grieving as I’m so lonely. I was grieving that a lifetime of pervasive abuse has caused me to not even understand how to begin a friendship. I was grieving as I know I’m not being a good role model to my son on how to be in or maintain any type of relationship. It was just pure grief of losing so much.
With CPTSD, there is a lot of grief as we lose that first ability to attach, which leads to a lifetime of chaos with everything. I’m trying to figure it out and get it back, but what a painful process.
Are others experiencing profound pain about loss?