So Much to grieve

(My favorite wildflower I see in the Sierra Nevada. I feel like a wildflower sometimes–what caused me to be in this exact spot? I feel beautiful, but I’m really just a useless, weed.)

When I decided to start setting boundaries for myself and how I would allow others to treat me, instead of making all these huge gains that I thought I would receive, I began to experience real loss. I had in my mind that people would have more respect for me and not walk all over me. What a huge, big, wrong I had made!!! There are people I’ve known over 10 years that have walked out of my life. I suppose it’s a good thing, and deep down I know I’m doing what’s best for me, but it HURTS!!! It hurts to be alone so much of the time. It hurts to think that maybe I am completely in the wrong and that it’s truly me who is screwing it all up. The interesting thing is that when I find myself going back to those people as I’m desperate for some kind of companionship, they really only make me feel bad. The people of my past knew a Lizzie that would give and give and give to the detriment of myself. If someone asked, I gave, whether I had the energy, time, or money. I just did it as I thought that’s what you did.

About 2 years ago, I became extremely sick with a mystery illness. At the time, I was diagnosed with transverse myelitis, which is a very devastating diagnosis. Essentially, I couldn’t walk as my legs went numb. It was this illness that made me realize that all the giving I had done for other people was not going to be reciprocated on any level. In fact it was the beginning of my loneliness. I literally couldn’t give anymore as I was fighting to just do basic things. My friends didn’t help. People were suddenly too busy for me. Granted, I needed a lot of help, but I truly didn’t get much. It was an extremely sad realization that led me on a crazy journey I’ll write about more later.

As I keep saying, I don’t understand human relationships, but the part I don’t understand the most, is human cruelty. My “friends” had turned cruel. I couldn’t figure it out. I still can’t.

My son and I went camping for 3 days as I really just needed to reconnect with nature. As he slept peacefully at night, tired from so much fresh air and swimming and hiking, I found myself crying with profound sadness. I was sad, because I’ve lost so much. I haven’t necessarily lost people to death, but I have certainly had losses. I realized in that moment, I was grieving losing friends that weren’t truly friends. I was grieving as I’m so lonely. I was grieving that a lifetime of pervasive abuse has caused me to not even understand how to begin a friendship. I was grieving as I know I’m not being a good role model to my son on how to be in or maintain any type of relationship. It was just pure grief of losing so much.

With CPTSD, there is a lot of grief as we lose that first ability to attach, which leads to a lifetime of chaos with everything. I’m trying to figure it out and get it back, but what a painful process.

Are others experiencing profound pain about loss?

Love

Lizzie

2 thoughts on “So Much to grieve”

  1. I have been in pain over grief since 2004. I have been struggling but don’t talk about it because I’m told to just move on. I can move on, I’m doing it but it’s still hurting my heart. So once again I am being forced to put my sadness and hurt where I bury most of my feelings. So now is kind of a learned behavior since I was a child to adulthood. I say I’m fine and move on. So much pain in this world and if we could just let others open up and just vent, who knows it could change this pattern. I have great people in my life and I know they are here for me. It’s me not trusting to open up is my issue. Because I feel they really don’t care.

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    1. Trusting others with our pain is extremely difficult. It makes us become very vulnerable, which is a feeling many of us hate. I’ve always thought I had to be so strong. What I’m finding is true strength is being honest about all of it. People who matter will ultimately respect you more and give you help if you just let it out. I’m finding as I finally allow myself to tell others I need help with so much, I’m receiving it. If I just keep it bottled up inside of me, it literally makes me sick at this point. Releasing what ails me to others and generally out to a higher being heals me as it’s too big and too great to carry alone. Just remember, there are people who really want to know more than just a happy fun Jaye. There are definitively those of us who want to know an authentic Jaye!! Love to you.

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