Black and White

(My goal in life is to become this and move away from the black and white!)

Yay trauma! Thanks for the black and white view of seeing the world!! Ok, so I’m sarcastic, but black and white thinking is a hallmark of trauma. I have always done it, and am now working diligently to not do it. Even though I absolutely recognize when I do it, I still can’t seem to break the pattern.

Yesterday, for instance, I was horribly ill with my chronic illness issues and felt like NO ONE cared, NO ONE loved me, and certainly NO ONE cared if I was dying. The reality is, my best friend and I chatted, and another woman from my past and I had a short conversation about some things I’m giving her support about. So, in fact people did care, but I couldn’t see it. My trauma has taught me when I’m sick, no one cares, in fact, people probably hate me because of it.

Today, I was able to actually get up and make a wonderful connection with a therapist from my past and get to the grocery store to restock my vegetable bin. I am feeling on top of the world!

And then I think to myself, “balance Lizzie, balance”. It’s quite possible tomorrow may be terrible, and I’ll go back to the dark place in my head. Yes, today was better than most, but temperance in my feelings is what I need. The over abundance of happiness I’m feeling isn’t necessarily normal either. I need to turn it from excessive happiness, to a place of gratitude that I was able to get up and do the things I needed to. Gratitude seems more balanced than happiness. I believe happiness to be a real emotion, but I’ve spent a lifetime of feigning happiness. Gratitude though, that’s not something I’ve managed to do much in my life.

Today I’m moving away from the black and white thinking to a place of balance, to a place of gratitude.

What are your experiences with black and white thinking? How does it affect you?

Love

Lizzie

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