This picture is from a few days ago when I had just started to receive infusion treatments for autoimmune issues that are pretty serious and was told this was going to truly help. I was full of so much hope that I was going to get some energy back, a bit of vitality, and even get in a hike before the snow falls on the Pacific Crest Trail.
A few hours, post infusion, I was sicker than sick. I managed to get in for my second one, and was literally crying as I left the infusion center as I was in so much pain. I skipped the third and have been trying to lay low with a cluster of symptoms that are making me feel horrendous. I found myself getting extremely heartbroken and disillusioned that I will never feel well. I had to put a big old STOP to that! As the truth is, I have a life. It might not be the life I had envisioned for me, but a life nonetheless. My mind is mentally stronger than it ever has been. I genuinely have more hope than ever, and the best part is, I am surrounded by good people, as long as I don’t push them away. So no, my life isn’t ideal for pretty much anyone, but yes, my life is ideal for me. It’s slow. It has time to reflect. It is full of time to rest. It is full of time for me. I dream of hiking the mountains I can see from my window. I yearn to swim in ice cold clear mountain lakes miles from my house. For now, I have to stay put. I can go to those places in my head and see them from when I went before. I can write about those experiences and relive them when I read what I wrote.
So this post may not be so much about trauma or complex PTSD, but it is proof that even under the most adversary of circumstances, life is there.
Remember that people around you admire your courage no matter how much you think it doesn’t show. My 11 year old son looked at me today and said, “Mom, you are the strongest person I know”. In my mind, I thought he was just disappointed in me for never being able to do much as I’m just too sick. His “strength” was about my character and made me realize that even if I become the most horribly, physically weak person on the planet, I am still strong. I am strong because I choose to do well with my life despite so much set back.
Who knows you are strong? Do you know you are strong?