My big Thailand adventure ended much earlier than I expected. I was starting to get a huge flare from my autoimmune diseases, and chose to be prudent and changed my ticket to fly home the next day. That was actually over a week ago. I was shedding lots and lots of tears over the very real fact that I am a disabled person. I was going back into that pit, and then I realized, I don’t have to!
I made a conscious choice to take active steps towards getting my mental health on track again. I made my weekly goal sheet above and as an amazing support person has continued to remind me, I’m going to feel tired and awful all the time, so may as well live life! I use little sticky notes to mark off my progress during the week. I have no expectation to fulfill all of this every week, but it’s more of a self accountability that I at least tried to do a few things!
I’m doing it. I’m still living life. I’m reconnecting with myself as a person I love (I know so cliché). As I love and accept the beauty of who I am, I can love others, who can then love me too. My circle is small, but so solid and so much more authentic than I ever have experienced or thought possible.
Several really crappy things happened over the course of 24 hours that would have sent me into a suicide attempt just months ago. Instead, I melted down, cried several times, then took action or made plans to do things about it. These things are HUGELY upsetting, but I am feeling centered and grounded as that whole love thing has given me my tiny circle to support me through it.
I always felt I had to do it all alone. I still feel this way most of the time. I am also learning that leaning on others, even the tiny amount I am beginning to tolerate is causing me huge growth emotionally, and definitively giving me lots of inner peace and contentment.
Again, it is so cliché to say “reach out when you are hurting”, but it actually works. I know it’s difficult and there seems to be this general consensus that people aren’t interested in our difficulties, but if you pick the right ones, the reward of support on your psyche is intense.
As I said, the sheer amount of things I’m dealing with right now would have just made me give up before. Instead, I feel I’m getting stronger, and I’ll face whatever comes my way with mostly me, and a bit of love I allow front the outside world.