(Forcing my useless legs into yoga positions to feel like I have the slightest bit of control in an uncontrollable situation)
Yesterday, I shared that I was having spinal cord surgery today, well due to miscommunication, it didn’t happen. I don’t know when it will happen, if it will happen, what’s going to happen… I just don’t know.
I found myself becoming overwhelmed with fear. A dear friend/angel said that of course I’m scared. People with PTSD have huge fears about situations they can’t control and are unknown, especially when it comes to their bodies.
I spent much of my day in lots of fear, much physical pain, and plenty of isolating myself. I then got some strength to advocate for myself to get some answers about what is going to happen as everything from staying in the hospital to going to skilled nursing to home health has been discussed while we wait for the neurosurgeon to have some time to do my surgery. I don’t have answers yet, but I was glad that my friend/angel normalized my intense fears. I was starting to go crazy.
I never used my voice before. If something was happening that was confusing or unjust to me, I just kept quiet. I didn’t want to make anyone upset or uncomfortable and I surely didn’t want anyone to be mad at me. I see the ridiculousness in those thoughts now. This is MY health and MY body and if I don’t use my voice, I will just sit here and know nothing adding to fear and anxiety.
I’ve been very still for over 6 days now as these darn legs don’t work. I’m in tremendous pain still, so I forced my legs manually into some yoga positions to get a bit of a stretch and honestly to just feel like I can take charge of my situation.
Use your voice! You were given one, and I definitely want to hear what you have to say!!