(Feeling strong with the help of people all over the world. Thank you!!)
I know I’ve talked about connection and needing to have people in your life, but this final week has sealed so much for me.
I used to think doing it alone and “figuring it out myself” was the way. I had a pathological independence. I truly believed that if you leaned on others, they would just disappoint you. Pretty much everyone until recently really did disappoint me. The thing I’m trying to figure out is that I probably set myself up for disappointment and it wasn’t all their fault. Truth is, my own self hatred made me allow myself to only know disappointment and people who couldn’t truly help.
Since my legs went numb and totally weak 8 days ago, all I’m doing is relying on others. I realize they’re limits of what they can offer, and I have to make sure my part is clear too in being precise in my needs. Needs, what are those? Those are those things you want to say, but hold back for fear of looking stupid. What’s stupid is that we don’t ask, so we never receive. People can say no and still love you. People can negotiate to what they are capable of and still care. No does not equal rejection. Often no means boundaries and for those traumatized people such as me, I need super clear boundaries!!
I don’t know exactly what I’m trying to convey, but being in a hospital where I can’t even get to the bathroom alone for a week now has taught me that sharing my burdens of my pain is absolutely freeing. I can ride on the backs of so many people who are helping me from the CNAs to my neurosurgeon to friends in close proximity to friends around the country and world. I guess I’m feeling lucky and strong and more grateful than ever to have figured this out.
So I head into surgery to hopefully fix a problem that I haven’t gotten validation for for over 20 years. Surgery is scary, but I know I have an entire team fighting for me.
Best of all, I’m fighting for me. I have tons to do yet, whether I’m walking or not!
You keep fighting for you too!