Friendships, relationships, people in general are very confusing to me. I’m not exactly sure how you manage any of this. What I am learning is that I won’t be treated as less than anything I deserve, but should I be? Or what does this mean?
I have figured out that we get different needs met through different people and different types of relationships, so a variety is necessary. I have also found a very small circle who I share the intimate details of my life, and they are incredibly supportive. We may not always agree, but they show up and make me critically think about my actions, which I think makes me a better person.
One place I won’t sacrifice is in an intimate relationship. I have been dating this guy, and I will say, he is probably one of the kindest people I know, but he gives me crumbs. He doesn’t take much initiative to see me. He has flaked on some really important things and most recently with all the surgery and serious health issues I’ve had, he just hadn’t been there. I’m also getting ready to move in less than two weeks, and he hasn’t offered much in terms of help that would be useful, even though I’ve tried to be specific in my needs.
I think I’ve hung onto him because he’s nice, but he doesn’t necessarily make me feel special. I was writing him these very long messages about what our relationship means to me and plans for the future for when I’m healed up, and all I would get back was an emoji most times. I feel like my writing something special deserves more than an emoji. So once again, crumbs.
I realize I’m a hard person to be in a relationship with considering all my health problems, and I was beginning to give him an out as I’m just not good enough. Then I decided, NO!!! He knew getting into a relationship with me that this was part of my life. I am a joyous person most of the time with excitement for life, big plans for my future, and I deserve someone who is equally passionate about living and living well. I also deserve to have someone to have fun with as well as someone to support me through more difficult times. With all the pain and frustration that come with healing from major surgery, he’s never felt like someone I could call for support. Just more crumbs.
Maybe I don’t need a cake to be perfect and whole for it to make a relationship work, but I at least need it to sustain me. A few crumbs won’t do much to keep me going and be sustainable. I’m also noticing that throwing me a crumb of kindness every couple weeks is much less than I deserve.
I keep going back to a quote someone gave me several months ago by Buddha when I was weeding people out of my life, “It’s better to walk alone than amongst fools”. I’m not saying any of the people I’ve weeded out of my life were fools, but it was foolish for me to stay in any type of relationship with them.
I crave connection, and I have it. I just need to remember to turn to those that have connection with me too. Thank you to those people. There are so many moments when just thinking about you and knowing you exist are what keeps me alive.
Don’t settle for crumbs. In the end, it ends up being extremely painful.