(Just a silly picture for a heavy day for many)
It was interesting that when I opened my news this morning on my iPhone, one of the first articles was something about “how to avoid invasive questions from your family”. Another article said something about “how to survive thanksgiving”.
It made me realize that not just traumatized people have a difficult time with this day, but obviously enough that dealing with it were some of the top stories of the day. There were several other articles that had to do with getting through painful emotions that holidays bring up.
I had originally planned to have thanksgiving with a couple friends that were coming from out of town. I was going to make them a fabulous meal in exchange for them packing my house up as I’m moving in just 10 days. My home health nurse was afraid my body was going into sepsis and was encouraging me to go to the emergency room for the second day in a row. I once again said no as with all I’ve been through medically, I just needed the comfort of my bed. So my thanksgiving guests decided not to come.
So here it is thanksgiving. I’m alone in my bed in tremendous physical pain, but I’m grateful I didn’t have to read those articles to be around a bunch of people I don’t care for (in my case my biological family and the chosen family I recently cut out of my life). Those events are so phony. You can tell so much of it is obligatory and at least all the thanksgiving celebrations I have attended were not joyous, but depressing, and I would go home feeling even more awful and unwanted even though I was supposedly around people who cared about me the most. If you are at one of those “celebrations”, I’m sorry. Send me an email to vent. I can take it, and I’ll send you one back so you know someone understands, and you are loved.
So I’m actually grateful that I’m not recovering well from my surgery. As people are so busy, I’m being left alone to sit by myself and contemplate the good in my life.
When I first had to cancel all my plans yesterday, I was NOT grateful, in fact, I was mad and felt super sorry for myself and for the first time in months, suicide crossed my mind. I knew I wouldn’t do it, it was simply fleeting and an old habit from when I’m so overwhelmed and can’t figure any way out.
But today, after lots of much needed sleep, I’m calmer and ready to support anyone and everyone that this is a hard day for. Perhaps you had to spend time with abusive family members or super toxic people because it’s the holiday and that’s what you do? I hope you didn’t have to, but I know plenty did.
Perhaps next year, you will think of a better way to spend your holiday that honors what you want to do and who you authentically are. I hope that for you.
All I know is that right now I’m grateful to be so sick and have received one amazing phone call from someone I consider one of the truest friends I have. She made me feel so much better. And who knows? If I feel better tomorrow, I can make my amazing meal I planned and eat it with my truest of true friends and a group of people she considers to be friends without families.
Thanksgiving a day late without pressure to be fake sounds pretty darn peaceful to me.
I won’t use a traditional holiday greeting here, but I will say, find some peace in this day or even the smallest of contentment. I’m totally and completely serious about sending me an email. You don’t even have to use “nice” words or punctuation. I will love to hear from you and respond.
PS If you had an amazing holiday, I am so happy for you. I know it happens, just hasn’t in my life and so many that read this blog. Perhaps you could comment on what made it good?? It would be super helpful!!