Being Strong also Means Being Sad

Tonight I’m sad. I mean really sad. Not in a depressed way kind of sad, just grieving a lot tonight, and I will give you a partial list of why.

I’m sad, because I know I’m strong and people look to me for strength, but it often doesn’t leave time for my hurts to be expressed. I am realizing that my being strong also means I need to be real and the realest I can express right now is that I’m sad.

I’m sad because I have had the privilege to meet some of the most incredible people in this world, yet the truly incredible ones have been the most damaged by others or continue to be hurt or they allow their trauma to continue to ruin their lives.

I’m sad as just as I was beginning to love and appreciate myself and get out of a lifetime of feeling suicidal and make a list of aspirations and goals for myself, I fell so physically ill that I’m afraid none of it will ever happen.

I’m sad that even though I powered through my holiday all alone and made the best of it, it was lonely and brought up painful memories of the past.

I’m sad that I haven’t seen or talked to my son in a few days, and I don’t know when it will happen as I’m so sick and the situation is just screwed up.

I’m sad because I try to make everything positive, and I generally and genuinely feel positive about life even with all my setbacks, but sometimes I want to be super negative and angry, and I have no safe space to do it.

I’m sad that the last therapist I had hurt me so badly and ruined my trust of the profession that I’m feeling like I’m overwhelming my friends with my problems.

I’m sad because I keep so much to myself.

I’m sad because I splurged and bought a print of my favorite piece of art for my new house, and I just went to the kitchen where my dog was happily tearing it to shreds.

I’m sad that people who used to be my chosen family will never come through for me, but I still wish they would even though I know I can’t have them in my life. I’m just generally sad that the people I thought should love me, don’t.

I’m sad because every time I go to a doctor or hospital and they ask for my emergency contact, I have no one as I don’t have that kind of relationship with anyone in my life.

I’m sad because anytime something goes wrong in my life I feel like that little girl of my upbringing who tried so hard to smile and be happy and be smart, yet she was always made to feel like she was bad and could never do anything right.

I’m sad because people disappoint me and don’t appear to care no matter how much I ask for conversation or why. I’m sad too because I still choose people who will just disappoint me, so I know I’m setting myself up, and I can’t figure out why.

I’m sad because I feel like I don’t deserve to be sad or grieve or be anything but happy and grateful as that’s what was drilled into my head as a girl even as I was being horrifically abused.

I think the part that makes me the most sad is that as I sit here and cry alone and make my short list of why I’m sad, I know there are thousands of others sitting alone feeling immeasurable sadness alone as people don’t truly connect and want to hear others sad. We all say we do, but we really don’t. I’m lucky that I have a couple people I could call, but my life used to be one of dealing with this in solitude and I’m sad that that is the case for most people whether you had a lifetime of trauma or just a bad day.

So for all my sad friends, especially those of us in the US that are coming to the end of a holiday week and people may be more sad than usual, I again implore you to comment or email. Tell this community or me personally why you are sad. I will say I already feel a whole lot better putting it into words and into this public forum.

In sadness and love,

Lizzie

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