I did an amazing job at reaching out today. I had a fever of 103.1 and the pain from surgery was more than I could take and then my coparenting relationship gets more screwed up daily and that is extremely emotionally painful for me.
As I said, I reached out. I told people I was overwhelmed and in trouble. For the first time in a really long time, I want to die. I know it’s all the pain talking and feeling like I’m going to be stuck in this high amount of physical pain forever, but it’s wearing away at me. It’s wearing away at me that I have to reach out to others, but others don’t reach out to me very often. It’s wearing away at me that when I say I’m in real trouble, people shrug me off because I show such “strength”.
Everyone hits their breaking point, and I’m hitting mine. If you’ve ever been in excruciating physical pain combined with excruciating emotional pain, which is a combination of being alone during the holidays, not being able to talk to my child without it being monitored, and toss in some financial stress and a general forgetfulness of your coping skills, it’s a recipe for disaster.
I recognize my friends were all busy tonight, and I’m proud of myself for trying multiple people with multiple responses of being busy. I get so tired of people posting on Facebook that they are people you can call because they are always listening if you have serious thoughts of being suicidal. Funny thing is, they are too busy to listen! I know I’m strong, but I’m also in trouble right now.
I learned so much about the beauty of connecting with others while I was in the hospital, but now I feel like all I’m learning about is the true reality and that is that people really want to disappoint you as they can’t handle your pain. I’ve “talked many people off the ledge” so to speak, but today people said they could get to me tomorrow. It hurts.
As I sit here and stare at my lethal amount of pills in my possession, I’m angry that my despair and hopelessness gets put off until tomorrow. Yeah I’m strong, but yeah I’m in trouble too.
I want to mention I have one friend who lives in close proximity to me who would probably listen, but it was my friends that have experienced true suicidal feelings that I wanted to talk too. I’m grateful for that one friend, but today I’m feeling like I’m only important when others need me, but when my own life is at stake, they’ll get to it when they get to it. I didn’t want to overwhelm my friend who is close by.
Instead of taking all those pills, I decided I’d write about the very real feelings of suicide as I know I’m not alone in this feeling and definitely not the only person who has experienced it. I hate feeling like the world would be better off without me, and I especially hate that I think my son would be better off without me, because as I said, I’m in a super screwed up coparenting relationship and perhaps my son wouldn’t be confused anymore if I were just gone.
I’m not going to kill myself tonight, I just really feel strongly that the world is done with me, and I with it. Again, I know it’s the intense pain talking and the feeling that no one had time to care about me today and it was probably the worst day of my whole year. I always make time for people in distress, im so freaking angry that all I get are texts that I’m strong.
So don’t be scared loyal readers and followers, I’ll live to see another day, but maybe some of you, even if you don’t know me could send me some encouraging words. I know I’ve been through a lot and I’m going through a lot, but even the self assured need assurance sometimes, and I especially need it tonight.
I’m clinging to a pink teddy bear for life as someone who I know cares from a distance sent it recently. I’m trying to feel the love with which she sent it to come into me to fill that dark hole that wants to die.
And to my normal support system, could you amp up the support, just for a little while as I try to heal from surgery and move into my new house and especially as I’m helpless in everything I can’t do? I’m sorry to be burdensome, but I need a lot of help right now as I can’t drive and can barely move. Even if you know me a little, can you send me a message as to why I should keep going?
If this blog means anything to you, please tell me soon. I can’t do it alone. None of us can, and I’m not sure I’m holding on for too much longer at this rate.
I don’t ask for much, but I deeply need support. Remember, your comments can always be anonymous.
I’m trying to hang on but if the world doesn’t need me, I’m certainly feeling like I don’t need me. I’m hoping the morning will bring new perspective and maybe I’ll wake up to some encouragement.
Sorry this post has been so depressing, but believe it or not, everyday of my life comes nothing close to perfect and today I just couldn’t see any good. I at least hope that others who have struggled like I am right now try to reach out and do something different as I am now by being very real that this is hard.