Perhaps if you read my last post, you are saying that’s a good thing, or if you’re one of those people I’ve had to put a lot of boundaries up, you may have some disappointment.
Despite having so much darkness overwhelm me, I took a moment to literally just breathe and continue and put my lethal concoction of pills away to be taken appropriately.
It’s not that I had any huge epiphany of why I’m staying or that anything has been fixed in my life. It was simply a comment of a loyal reader that reminded me I’m not alone in this world or how I experience pain. There’s nothing unique to my experience, the only unique part is that I choose to put it in a public format as it’s important for me to express, but I’m also beginning to understand that it’s important for others to read. I may not get many comments or likes on my blog, but my stats show lots and lots of people read it, so that has to mean something? And that simple fact gives me meaning.
I often believe I was gifted pain (and decent grammar) so I could share what it’s like to go through painful times so others will come to my blog and just say “me too” and realize none of us are so special or unique that we hurt, because we all do. Some may just feel down or others, such as I just a few hours ago have real struggle to not just take their life as I had a strong urge to do.
I will say, one comment made me realize that the most important part about my life is that I have myself. This comment made me realize I’m not ready to give up on the relationship with myself as I’m just getting to know who I really am. I’m not the person that has behaviors or traits of trauma, I’m the person beneath all that who is creative and witty and likes to be outside and works incredibly hard to be as healthy as possible so I can fulfill a list of dreams that have to do with the core of my soul, not trauma. Killing myself is about being mired in that trauma, not digging into who I really am. If I can stay focused on that woman deep inside who is innocent and pure and not hurt, life is not only ok, but has plenty of moments of beauty.
I ask all of you to dig deep inside to see who you are while taking away what people have projected onto you. What are your true dreams and desires, not what other people want for you, but what you want for you? Take lots of moments to go inside and listen to all parts of yourself and find that being that was so beautifully made before the ugliness of the world changed you. That centered place is extremely peaceful and where true strength lies as no one and nothing can penetrate or change your core, but you must find it.
I can write more about how I found mine, but it’s 3:30 in the morning, and I’m feeling tired and like this hasn’t been terribly coherent.
I just wanted you to know that I’m trying another day and with the help of another reader, I was reminded that I’m trying for me, the true me, the authentic me. You do too.