I’m Still Here

Perhaps if you read my last post, you are saying that’s a good thing, or if you’re one of those people I’ve had to put a lot of boundaries up, you may have some disappointment.

Despite having so much darkness overwhelm me, I took a moment to literally just breathe and continue and put my lethal concoction of pills away to be taken appropriately.

It’s not that I had any huge epiphany of why I’m staying or that anything has been fixed in my life. It was simply a comment of a loyal reader that reminded me I’m not alone in this world or how I experience pain. There’s nothing unique to my experience, the only unique part is that I choose to put it in a public format as it’s important for me to express, but I’m also beginning to understand that it’s important for others to read. I may not get many comments or likes on my blog, but my stats show lots and lots of people read it, so that has to mean something? And that simple fact gives me meaning.

I often believe I was gifted pain (and decent grammar) so I could share what it’s like to go through painful times so others will come to my blog and just say “me too” and realize none of us are so special or unique that we hurt, because we all do. Some may just feel down or others, such as I just a few hours ago have real struggle to not just take their life as I had a strong urge to do.

I will say, one comment made me realize that the most important part about my life is that I have myself. This comment made me realize I’m not ready to give up on the relationship with myself as I’m just getting to know who I really am. I’m not the person that has behaviors or traits of trauma, I’m the person beneath all that who is creative and witty and likes to be outside and works incredibly hard to be as healthy as possible so I can fulfill a list of dreams that have to do with the core of my soul, not trauma. Killing myself is about being mired in that trauma, not digging into who I really am. If I can stay focused on that woman deep inside who is innocent and pure and not hurt, life is not only ok, but has plenty of moments of beauty.

I ask all of you to dig deep inside to see who you are while taking away what people have projected onto you. What are your true dreams and desires, not what other people want for you, but what you want for you? Take lots of moments to go inside and listen to all parts of yourself and find that being that was so beautifully made before the ugliness of the world changed you. That centered place is extremely peaceful and where true strength lies as no one and nothing can penetrate or change your core, but you must find it.

I can write more about how I found mine, but it’s 3:30 in the morning, and I’m feeling tired and like this hasn’t been terribly coherent.

I just wanted you to know that I’m trying another day and with the help of another reader, I was reminded that I’m trying for me, the true me, the authentic me. You do too.

Love

Lizzie

5 thoughts on “I’m Still Here”

  1. Lizzie, Im so glad you chose to remain with us for another day…. hr hr, day by day. You listened grabbed hold of the key point each day das to offer…. learning to dig deeper & get to know ourselve s ,going through these challanges season us with wisdom. All of us can share here, & pray that others can read … another day.

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  2. Hugs. I just read both posts. I can tell you from lived experience that leaving your son alone wouldn’t help him. You’ve said he’s afraid of your co-parent’s partner. You’ve said she has substantiated allegations of child abuse. That will take a toll on your son, but it will take *so much less* of one if you are there to validate your son’s reality and be a safe supportive person. Abused children desperately need one safe person, and most never get one. One parent to confide in can make a huge difference. If you aren’t there, your loss will likely just be another something he carries forever. I don’t know what having support during my own childhood would have been like. I *do* know what having someone who *could* have been it check out instead is like. It wasn’t better for me. I won’t say suicide is selfish. I get the feelings, and I know how the brain lies to us. I know that path only seems viable from deep within a pit of despair that warps any memory of anything else. But, I also know what it is like to be left behind in a similar way as you’d be leaving your son by someone in my life who just couldn’t cope. It only compounded my own trauma and didn’t make it any easier to deal with the legacy of the abuse itself. Trust me, I *understand* what led to that loss in my life, the toll depression and family chaos took to get there for that person. I even understand feeling like it sometimes is the kinder option, and have been there, but it is your own traumatized brain lying to you. I was not better off for losing someone. I can’t believe your son would be either. Without you, there is only the world of secrets and lies left for him. With you, he has one safe place. I’d have given anything for one truly safe person as a kid. Hopefully knowing that helps you find the path out of the trap your brain has you in right now.

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    1. I understand all of what you’re saying. My situation has become so hopeless with my son that I was feeling like there’s nothing left for me to be able to do. You know, I know when you’re feeling suicidal, your brain IS lying to you. If you read my latest post, I explored why suicide has always been such a viable option in my life. I didn’t do it and actually coped with the extreme feelings in new ways, so in many ways it was a victory, or at least a new gain in knowledge for me to use. I’m proud of myself for being authentic and not feigning positivity when it wasn’t me. Thanks for your comment. We will all get through it with a lifetime of committing to doing things differently than our past.
      Love
      Lizzie

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      1. Hugs. I read your most recent post, and I’m glad you had that incite into how your own abusers’ voices buried themselves into your brain. It really takes a lifetime to eradicate them. I can’t say I’ve done so, though I wish I could. I meant it that you are doing more than you know for him by continuing to fight to break out of the legacy of trauma. Your mother clearly never cared enough to do that hard hard, so it’s something to be proud of and another way you are *not* like her each time you fight. Your son is lucky to have you as his advocate, even when things feel out of control. You are showing him another way. That’s incredibly brave.

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      2. Oh thank you. It’s hard to eradicate those nasty voices of our past as we take them on and then do it to ourselves. I just have to remind myself constantly that I’m a pure and innocent soul and that these things were done to me. I strive to be love and light as I feel like that’s what I really am. I’m definitely not 100% with it all the time, but there was a huge shift for me when I came to the realization that I didn’t really know who I was. I knew my traumatized self, but not my authentic self. I will say, figuring it out is tough, but easier than the torment I was putting myself through before!
        Keep coming back to my blog and I appreciate your comments!
        Love
        Lizzie

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