(This little girl fell down and it looks like it hurt. I bet she’s getting back up too and even with the help of a trusted adult)
I’m sorry to be so doomsday these past few posts, but I decided to be very honest about what’s going on in my life instead of being a false representation of who I am as that is not what my blog is about. This blog is about finding my authentic self while healing from CPTSD. It’s difficult subject matter even though I’m usually pretty positive and see the good and why of things.
I was thinking this morning about why would I turn to feeling like killing myself when things get very overwhelming. Well, I’ve spoken about my mom being an extremely evil person, but when I was young, my mom would say to me when I had sad feelings, ” well, you can always go kill your self if you don’t like your life”.
What a horrible thought to put in my young head and that coping skill has always been one that I thought was viable as my own mom, the woman who gave birth to me, told me that’s how you cope. No wonder I’ve gone there so many times.
Maybe some of you have had the psyche interview where they ask how many times you’ve tried to kill your self. I actually don’t even know. I know there have been a couple where I clinically died, but just attempts??
Of course that’s how I coped though. My primary attachment person said to do that. I’m really glad I pushed through this time, as giving in would be giving into her. I certainly don’t want to become anything she said I would as she made sure i was a nothing and knew it and she would be happy from wherever her soul sits now to see me end my life.
I’m also glad I pushed through as I’ve had this insight about my coping skill of committing suicide came from my mom. I never want to do anything she told me to do as my mom had nothing to do with parenting and much to do with destroying everything i could have ever liked about me or this world.
It’s ok that I fell so hard these past few days. I have 41 years of hers and other family members and negative people in my life’s programming to get over. It’s been beyond hard and lonely, but I’m learning everyday, and falling down, but showing yourself you can get back up is part of it too. It’s going to be a lifelong process that does get easier.
Today, I choose to get up. I’m not excited or even happy about it, but I’m choosing it. The pain of my current life is all still here, but I’m choosing to show up for life today. It doesn’t mean I’ll go out and be social or skip down the streets whistling a happy tune (I just had surgery afterall), but I’ll commit to being alive. I’ll commit to being who I want to be and not what my mom wanted me to be. I’ll commit to taking it in tiny steps and getting done what I can in my incapacitated state.
I wish I could be more inspiring or helpful, but perhaps today you can look at your own negative coping skills and see if you learned them from some awful person in your life and eradicate them and that negative way of coping out of your life. Just something to think about I guess.
I’m not saying feeling suicidal won’t come up again in my life, but I’m proud I didn’t try. I’m proud I attempted to reach out, and I’m definitely proud it didn’t overtake me so hard that I ended up in the psyche hospital as has happened countless times in the past.
I’ll be ok and maybe I’ll even get back to my more optimistic self!? I can only hope as I don’t aspire to bring people down. I do aspire to show people that you can live life, and a good one at that even with severe trauma. My life may not sound great at the moment, but this is a blip. If you would have known the me of even a year ago, you would be applauding me at how well I handled this. I’m going to give myself a gentle pat on the back and not be mad or overly think about my stumble.
I’m going to move forward with being real and move forward with being who I want to be. You do too.