I remember when I was in residential treatment for my trauma last year, my therapist told me that if I was truly going to change myself that everything in my world would change and it was going to be hell for awhile.
As I’ve mentioned several times on this blog, I used to be a scared doormat that did whatever people said or requested as I never wanted to rock the boat as I just wanted everyone to like me.
As I have begun to rock the boat and make real change in myself, my life has been hell. I’m admitting it has been horrible, but I will also tell you it has not been as bad as living in suicidal depression for 40 years.
I did a lot of reading on why I’m being so persecuted by people who used to love me. I will say that most of the people who used to love me were also abusive or narcissistic or totally lost in their own trauma. I am being persecuted because people of my past can’t handle that I’m taking such positive steps to not live in misery. I work hard everyday to not let the demons of my trauma overtake me anymore. I will admit almost everyday I have a fleeting thought of giving up, but I made a commitment to myself to persevere no matter what, and that commitment frightens people.
I’ve only touched on my son and what a screwed up relationship there is with the coparent. Today the screwed up nature grew to epic levels. I don’t like to talk about it much as it is my sons own story of trauma to tell if he chooses when he’s older, but one thing I worked the most on this past year was being an attentive and loving mother who shows up emotionally and keeps my sons emotional well being front and center in my parenting practice. I will not allow anyone to call me a bad mom as I am not perfect, but I shouldn’t be expected to be. I don’t do anything intentional and instead of receiving support and recognition for what I’ve done, I receive punishment by having my access to him taken away.
In the end it doesn’t matter. My son recognizes the changes I’ve made. He calls me strong and tells me he’s proud of me. His perceptions are way more important to me than those of people trying to persecute me for not allowing myself to be controlled or bullied.
I will NEVER go back to being weak and abused and controlled even if I never see my son again. I would rather he know I’m strong as he calls me and that I continue in my strength than for me to submit to unjust demands not appropriate for who I am.
I am trying to live with such peace, but around every corner seems to be a new hardship. I just have to remember that if my life is hellish, I must be doing the right thing as that’s what that trusted therapist told me a year ago. I’m just so tired of crying today.
Don’t worry. I will stand tall for me and every other trauma survivor not strong enough to yet as it’s what we have to do if we are ever going to change our lives. I’m standing tall and strong and with conviction and with integrity. Anyone else standing with me vowing to never be abused again???
I will admit to feeling extremely empowered, but at the same time, I am extremely hurt by people.