Loneliness

I can’t call this blog post more than “loneliness”, but I’ve explored this topic and will continue. Pervasive loneliness is a hallmark trait of CPTSD, yet it felt to me that this is also more of an American condition too. I read some study that I probably should have bothered to remember so I could cite it, but it said 25% of Americans experience extreme loneliness.

I was trying to question why this is for me personally. I have built up a pretty incredible support system given my attachment problems. I’ve allowed people into my life at varying levels appropriate to our relationship. With being in the hospital and moving, I’ve been surrounded by people. Yesterday was the first day I spent alone and it felt more natural to me and less lonely.

How could I feel less lonely alone over with all these people whose actions clearly showed they cared about me? I think as a child going through extreme trauma, I wasn’t taught to trust anyone, not even myself. I was never told how to be a friend or a wife or anything that people are not only supposed to do, but get joy from (just to clarify, I say “wife” as just my term, but can be expanded into whatever you would call yourself in an intimate relationship of your choice).

Being around so many people showing me so much care made me want them to go away on some level as it just felt uncomfortable. The old me would have isolated as it feels “better” to be alone as I’m sure no one would understand me. The new me that strives for authenticity is going to force herself to be engaged socially as my having good people in my life is a rite I deserve no matter how uncomfortable it gets. I feel lucky in that some people are really willing to be patient as I learn about attaching to other adults in my life. Sometimes, they even gently show me how it’s done without even knowing that’s what they are doing.

I realize if I continue to keep showing up in my relationships, my counterparts do too. I also have to remember that I don’t expect perfection for myself, so I can’t hold others to that too, so if someone disappoints me, it’s not necessarily about me.

I know having friends, and now even a boyfriend, has been very new for me. By friends, I mean genuinely caring relationships, not toxic people who pretend to give me love. There are days I want to push them all away as it feels too much, but then there are those moments when I need friendship, because I have things to share or need to talk. That’s when having so many new relationships in my life feels good.

I also realized that I have the right to say no. If I’m feeling particularly awkward or need some space, I can say no to being social, and it’s ok to take care of me first.

Realizing that I actually get to make choices about everything in my life has probably been the most healing aspect of dealing with trauma.

I encourage you to reach out to a good person today, whether in person or virtually and if you were like me just a year and a half ago and feel you had no one, send me an email. I’ll respond.

Love

Lizzie

4 thoughts on “Loneliness”

  1. Lizzy, beautiful piece about growing into relationships, adjusting to the feelings, the dance of attachments, giving yourself space & time. I thought it interesting that in your new home you felt less lonely when alone….. perhaps being more authentically you makes it more delicious. Ienjoyed your piece & learned a lot. Louise

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Louise. You always say the kindest things. Knowing you support my blog so wholeheartedly is extremely meaningful. I think being more authentically me does make my own company more enjoyable. Once you get past the self hate, hanging out alone is actually pretty decent!!
      Lizzie

      Like

  2. It’s a nice blog, well narrated the whole concept. I strongly agreed with your words that loneliness is like a chandelier which looks attractive from a certain distance but the real pain of it’s only known & felt by the person who is facing it.

    Appreciate the topic you have chosen, keep it up!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement. Having a new person comment on my blog makes me feel incredible and so happy that my mission to reach others so we don’t have to be alone is actually happening.
      Thank you
      Lizzie

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s