I’m lying here in my bed feeling like something is wrong. You know what’s wrong? Nothing really. It’s a peaceful evening, and I’m just enjoying some music and dog snuggles. I’ve figured out all my recent crises, but it feels strange.
It’s been a whirlwind year of craziness, but this past month has been particularly stressful. One month ago today, I had a very serious, complicated, and controversial surgery on my thoracic spine. I have been dealing with bouts of paralysis, weakness, bladder and bowel issues, enough falls to lead to 7 fractures in 2 1/2 years, and terrible chronic pain. It wasn’t great that I had surgery as an emergency, but it’s great it happened.
The day before I went to the emergency room, I went into escrow on my house. After 2 weeks in the hospital, I had about 2 weeks to pack and move, but I couldn’t do anything. People really came through for me and the move happened relatively seamlessly, but the stress was overwhelming.
This evening as I sit in quiet, i realize that I have had a huge miracle occur in my world. I haven’t had any falls or weakness or paralysis since my surgery! Only strong legs! For someone who has been dealing with this for years, it’s the biggest blessing I could imagine.
So back to how this is in association with trauma. I sent a friend a text saying in general that things seemed to have calmed down for me, and I wasn’t sure if I should embrace and enjoy or bite my nails waiting for the next horrible thing to happen? She told me to embrace. Why wouldn’t I embrace and enjoy my moments of peace? I know growing up in trauma, all you ever are waiting for is the next horror. It doesn’t matter if you are having an incredible day, it’s plagued by anxiety knowing that something bad will always happen.
I’m going to work really hard at enjoying my peace, and even if something horrible happens tomorrow, I’ll get through it. I’m still alive, right?
Having a moment to sit in gratitude for my health miracle and knowing good people are surrounding me is well deserved. It’s actually a way better feeling than trying to predict my next crisis honestly.
All my horribly traumatized friends, please try to recognize those moments that are peaceful. Take a mental snapshot so you can return when things aren’t so great. Many of us aren’t actually living in trauma anymore, it just feels like it. The real truth is that the bad people of our past are gone, but our brains are wired to feel like it’s still happening.
I can write about embracing the good a thousand times, but I will probably still need an outside reminder that tomorrow may be good too and the day after that. Not everything in life is trauma anymore. At this point for me, traumas aren’t traumas so much as just living life. I’m really proud of myself for saying that, and I’m super proud of myself for embracing the good. I did that and I know you all know what a huge accomplishment it is.