For my friends whose C/PTSD is now manifesting as chronic illness

(I don’t know why dinosaurs, but these looked fierce and like they were in it together!)

Apparently, the copy and paste isn’t working so well, so all the “a” look like “+”.

Nonetheless, I have worked tirelessly for over 20 years to get to a place where I can live peacefully with my traumatic past only to become so physically ill, I’m now interviewing caregivers. It may not be forever, but it’s for now. I’m trying to maintain my body will miraculously heal as I feel strongly in helping others to realize that trauma isn’t a life sentence and peacefulness and contentment can become the norm.

So I have some legitimacy, I have had more psychiatric hospital admissions than I’ve can remember beginning at age 15, but I’ve gone over a year without. I’ve been on every psych med out there in multiple combinations, and I’ve now gone over a year without.

I’ve depended on therapists as being my only lifeline and contact, but now I’m working very hard at building relationships that can sustain me.

Most of all, I spent my life in isolation and hated myself so much that I’ve made more suicide attempts than I can remember, but I’m in a bit of forced isolation due to my chronic illnesses. I am alone, but I don’t feel lonely. I actually enjoy my company!

But to those who know me, keep calling and please visit as we all need human connection even if we have learned to love ourselves.

I wrote the following as I get frustrated with people who compare their tiredness or lack of motivation to what I’m dealing with. I get angry as I spent 41 years lying around trapped in fear and anxiety and now, I’m just ready to live.



An “unmotiv+ting” problem

I get + text this morning th+t s+ys, “feeling unmotiv+ted, trying to +t le+st get up to feed the c+t” +s if Iʼd rel+te somehow.

I donʼt rel+te. Actu+lly I donʼt rel+te +t +ll. You h+ve + problem with not being motiv+ted, my problem is th+t I AM motiv+ted.

Iʼm motiv+ted to go outside +nd r+ke the le+ves covering my front w+lk. Iʼm motiv+ted to m+ke + coffee d+te with + friend. Iʼm motiv+ted to str+p on some snowshoes +nd +mble +cross the T+hoe me+dows +s my feet cr+ve the gentle squish of pushing through snow, my body w+nts to delight in physic+l exertion, but most of +ll my

eyes w+nt to revel in the be+uty of winter +nd feel the p+r+dox of w+rm sun on my f+ce when its cold outside. Iʼm motiv+ted to finish + book th+t writes itself in my he+d, but the energy isnʼt there to sit up +nd get it onto p+per. Iʼm not sure + publisher will p+y me for the thoughts in my mind.

Iʼm motiv+ted to p+int sever+l pictures th+t will hurt my br+in until they move out +nd down the syn+pses of my +rm to explode out my fingers to cre+te + visu+l th+t others c+n +ppreci+te too.

Iʼm motiv+ted to re+d sever+l books +s I h+ve so much to le+rn. Iʼm so motiv+ted to even just go out for + drive to do the

necessities of d+ily life.

But unlike most people who just h+ve + d+y or two l+cking motiv+tion, I never l+ck motiv+tion. I donʼt underst+nd w+nting to just lie there +nd do nothing with your life. I underst+nd the need for rest +nd some solitude, but my f+tigue isnʼt +bout l+ck of motiv+tion.

I c+nʼt move. I lie in my bed expounding on multiple possibilities if I ever got the energy to c+rry them out. Iʼm done being +ccused of being depressed +nd l+zy +nd unmotiv+ted, +nd then getting m+d +t myself +s I believe these mistruths +s everyone keeps deciding they h+ve me figured out without +sking me one question.

I m+y h+ve s+dness, I m+y r+rely go out, but my motiv+tion is strong tr+pped in + physic+l body th+t just c+nʼt.

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