So I’m really physically ill at this point. Sicker than I ever thought I would get so quickly, and as the connection is being established in medical science, there is a link between severe trauma and health issues. I’m the poster child right now.
Nonetheless, the thing I needed to know is that I’m not alone. I was able to hear a survivor tell her story and in her aloneness and my aloneness, I felt connection.
You see, when I go to a new doctor, clinic, or hospital, they always ask for an emergency contact. I make my best attempt to just silently leave it blank as I felt embarrassed and like there was something wrong with me for not having someone. While I have people in my life, there is no one who knows me that intimately to be my “emergency contact”. I’m the emergency. I take care of the emergencies and do a pretty exceptional job at it.
I had to listen to another survivor and see how beautiful she was to realize I’m not flawed, defective, bad, or evil for having no one. She isn’t either. What I am is brave, strong, and beautiful for continuing to survive the insurmountable and keep my light burning with strong hope for all that builds in my life.
So I felt like the only person in the world that had no one in case of emergency, but I’m wrong. The people who hurt me did this to me. They helped create a life of being alone that I have perpetrated through my inability to maintain friendships or significant relationships as attachment is foreign to me.
I suppose the hope is in the fact that I continue to try. The hope is in someday when faced with another medical form, I can confidently write the name of my emergency contact. There’s the hope. Real, supportive, genuine relationships.
They are already beginning. I hope for you too.