Last weekend was very hard for me. I had a beautiful vision of what it would be, then nothing. Not only nothing, but ended up bed bound with being sick from the physical stuff and allowed the emotional stuff to get me too.
I’m usually on top of things overpowering me, but I also realize my need to constantly grieve. I think my body said, “Lizzie, we are going to make you feel so sick that you have no choice to be completely still and grieve”. Grieving sucks. It’s hard. It’s emotionally painful and now, physically painful too.
I’m alone most of the time. I was grieving over the weekend as my body hurt so much and I desperately wished someone could have just come to sit with me for a bit. There isn’t anyone right now. I’m building to make connections, but new connections are hard when your health keeps you mostly bound to the house.
I get in the mindset that no one cares anyway, well the people I wish would care don’t, but I have to give it up. I can’t open myself to being cared about if I wish my mom had or my old chosen family did. None of them do, but new people are starting to care.
I’m very scattered in my thoughts tonight, so I’ll stop, but I wanted to share this painting I did last night. After having a horribly painful weekend, this idea came to me and realized that even through lots of painful tears, I still continue on.
You do too, ok?