I’ve explored loneliness before and how it’s kind of becoming the American condition at least. I’m lonely. I don’t have people and it was made VERY clear today.
I have been sick for the past two days. Not just my usual symptoms, but extremely sick. Yesterday I couldn’t move and couldn’t speak for hours. My brain was still working, but the words wouldn’t come out right. I was too weak to even get a glass of water.
Today, when I could muster the energy, I was crawling to the bathroom and even laying on the floor to take a break as I had debilitating fatigue and dizziness. It’s happened before, but never for 2 continuous days. Even as I write this, I still have no strength to get up, but I was just so struck by how alone I am and wanted to share as I know I’m not the only one.
So one person texted (thank goodness) and my case manager called after literally begging her to. I posted on Facebook that I was really sick thinking someone else would actually call or care or something? You want to know who came over to help? NO ONE!! One text and one call from my case manager.
I never go public when I’m so sick I can’t even get a glass of water, but I thought I should start. I think I paint an overly rosy view of how well I am and how easy it is.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my life, I just hate the feeling that no one cares. I hate the feeling that no one offered to at least bring me water (well the person that texted asked if I needed something earlier, but I was too weak and cognitively messed up to figure it out). I just can’t believe I can put out on a public platform how sick I am and no one cares.
I’m used to doing it alone. I’ve done it alone my whole life. I’m independent. I take care of myself. I’m just tired of living that way. I NEED people, especially now. I was supposed to have an outpatient surgical medical procedure and can’t even do that as there’s NO ONE who has the time to stay with me all day.
I don’t think I’m a horrible person so that’s why I’m alone. I think I’m a lost person who never learned to attach and navigating attachment as a 42 year old woman is confusing and impossible.
If anyone has any insight on how you make AND keep connections, please let me know. I seem to be absolutely failing in that area and would love advice from other trauma survivors on how you found friends, love, or anyone who has consistently stayed in your life.
Remember, you can remain anonymous in commenting. But PLEASE give me your insights. I’m dying from loneliness and just want a friend.
If you’re interested in finding me on Facebook, search “Jennifer Lizzie”, but also please message me that you know me from the blog as I don’t friend people randomly. I’m obviously way more honest here, but just putting it out there!