Rejected Again…c’est la guerre

So I received a pretty big rejection today. I’ve written of the wonderful nonprofit that was helping me. Tonight was the monthly celebration night where birthdays are recognized or other memorable things other participants have accomplished. I wasn’t going to go as I physically feel pretty awful, but decided last minute that celebrating others and being around people was exactly what I needed no matter how physically draining it would be. This nonprofit has been a true lifeline for me.

Part of the text I received tonight was, “it sounds like you have a lot going on. It would be best if you skipped this months celebration night”. The text wasn’t even the hard part, it was just the lack of communication as to really why.

I will be the first to tell you I’m an intense person. I’ve lived an intense life. The thoughts in my brain are intense. Basically, my life experience is just very intense. I’ve been called “highly sensitive”.

I’m also learning to recognize when my intensity becomes problematic and scale back and apologize as necessary. I just didn’t think I had to scale back with an organization that helps traumatized women. Apparently, I really got indoctrinated that I’m #toomuch tonight.

I also asked someone I really trust to be honest why I keep facing rejection, and her reply was, “you’re emotionally draining”. (She also told me I was wonderful so it doesn’t sound that awful.) I can agree with that statement, well both statements, but it still hurts.

The hardest part is not having anyone willing to stand beside me as I try to figure out what is enough without losing my authenticity or becoming draining. Sadly, every place I genuinely thought it was safe for me to figure it out has been faced with rejection.

Maybe this organization is rejecting me for tonight, or maybe it’s forever. I don’t know as there’s no communication. That’s the hardest part. If they could just say, “you did x,y,z wrong”, I would know. I could make myself better. I could form real change in who I am for the better.

So instead of coming off the energy boost I would have had from being around others and getting to see others joy, I’m lying here in very intense physical pain and feeling so sad, devastated, and rejected.

Maybe I haven’t found my tribe yet? Maybe I am a tribe of one. I’m trying to go into my optimistic self and believe it happened for a reason, but I think I’ll honor my feelings and feel the huge grief of being rejected again.

It’s ok. Loneliness is good for you, right? In all honesty, it hurts, like really really bad.

Love

Lizzie

3 thoughts on “Rejected Again…c’est la guerre”

  1. Hugs. Honestly, they sound like the jerks in this situation. I had a trauma survivors group once tell me they were happy to keep having me – but only if I climbed their three floors of stairs in unairconditioned summer heat to do so. Someone they liked more didn’t want to accommodate my chronic physical illness because it “smelled a bit weird” on the first floor. And, well, it wasn’t that they didn’t like me…they just knew her better and she got priority because she was their favorite. Ugh. Nice to know “favorite” trumps “disability accommodations” for that charity.

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    1. Thank you for your response. I genuinely appreciate it. While I know part of it is their part, and definitely unfair, I also realize I play a part in all my relationships. I just wish people would communicate. If they told me what I did, I could at least have a dialogue and feel like I had some agency to either advocate for myself or examine what changes I needed to make. I believe part of it is my mounting health problems. Most of their events are on the second floor and I’m currently not climbing stairs.
      If more people would communicate, especially in uncomfortable situations that may be conflictive in nature, we may all feel more connected and definitely less confused and be able to overcome the pain of rejection.
      I definitely appreciate you sharing your similar story. Makes me feel a lot better!

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      1. Yeah. Once you can’t climb stairs you get excluded from a lot of non-spoonie spaces. It kind if sucks. I had volunteered even just this weekend to, before my improv class, be a background extra in my theater’s green room for a promo video for the theater. That was very welcome…until they realized I would a stool between takes and the normal couch for the green room was part of the shoot couldn’t be used. Then they had to say they weren’t equipped to take me. It sucks to be rejected from something you volunteered to do to help out because of your health needs. They were nice and seemed embarrassed (unlike that other group), but it still hurt. The theater really isn’t accessible, so not sure what the solution was when my usual work around so I can still do things there fails. But, well, still ends up feeling like a rejection to the point I’m trying to draft a blog post about my conflicted feelings of “they were nice and I see the problem, but it still sucks” for a future post. Health problems really limit your social circle, and non-spoonies, even trauma survivors, just don’t get it. They may be nicer or meaner, but they are still mostly clueless unless they’ve dealt with them personally.

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