So I received a pretty big rejection today. I’ve written of the wonderful nonprofit that was helping me. Tonight was the monthly celebration night where birthdays are recognized or other memorable things other participants have accomplished. I wasn’t going to go as I physically feel pretty awful, but decided last minute that celebrating others and being around people was exactly what I needed no matter how physically draining it would be. This nonprofit has been a true lifeline for me.
Part of the text I received tonight was, “it sounds like you have a lot going on. It would be best if you skipped this months celebration night”. The text wasn’t even the hard part, it was just the lack of communication as to really why.
I will be the first to tell you I’m an intense person. I’ve lived an intense life. The thoughts in my brain are intense. Basically, my life experience is just very intense. I’ve been called “highly sensitive”.
I’m also learning to recognize when my intensity becomes problematic and scale back and apologize as necessary. I just didn’t think I had to scale back with an organization that helps traumatized women. Apparently, I really got indoctrinated that I’m #toomuch tonight.
I also asked someone I really trust to be honest why I keep facing rejection, and her reply was, “you’re emotionally draining”. (She also told me I was wonderful so it doesn’t sound that awful.) I can agree with that statement, well both statements, but it still hurts.
The hardest part is not having anyone willing to stand beside me as I try to figure out what is enough without losing my authenticity or becoming draining. Sadly, every place I genuinely thought it was safe for me to figure it out has been faced with rejection.
Maybe this organization is rejecting me for tonight, or maybe it’s forever. I don’t know as there’s no communication. That’s the hardest part. If they could just say, “you did x,y,z wrong”, I would know. I could make myself better. I could form real change in who I am for the better.
So instead of coming off the energy boost I would have had from being around others and getting to see others joy, I’m lying here in very intense physical pain and feeling so sad, devastated, and rejected.
Maybe I haven’t found my tribe yet? Maybe I am a tribe of one. I’m trying to go into my optimistic self and believe it happened for a reason, but I think I’ll honor my feelings and feel the huge grief of being rejected again.
It’s ok. Loneliness is good for you, right? In all honesty, it hurts, like really really bad.