I’m just short of 2 weeks in the hospital. The outlook isn’t great and will post the exact nature of what’s going on when all is confirmed.
Anyone who has ever spent any time in a hospital (I’ve managed a lot of time) knows it’s really hard and uncomfortable. As a trauma survivor, giving up control of your entire environment is REALLY hard. I’ve found twinges of anxiety creeping up, but I go inside, remind myself I’m safe, and try to appreciate that I’m being taken care of as there’s no way I could do it at home currently.
My mind turns to the future and the things I want to enjoy again. Future thinking is usually a negative for me, but I’m using it as an exercise in gratitude for my usual life, which is extremely difficult, yet very abundant.
I wish to be at home, surrounded by soft blankets, comforting dogs, living plants, and my window that is perfectly angled to watch the sunrise every morning as a reminder that I’m very much alive and part of the earth.
I wish to work on my health so I can take short hikes, long baths, paint beautiful pictures, with enough energy to see a friend.
I wish to have a freedom of movement on legs that are strong thrust forward by an even stronger mind.
I wish to see faraway friends and go to not so faraway places, just the places that bring me joy even if they are just across town.
I wish to tell people I love them and hear them say they love me back. I wish to be loving in my actions with the reciprocation that my actions are paid forward to me. Oh wait, all of this last paragraph is happening now. The most important of it all. Love and connection. Forget the future. I’ll take this moment and revel in the warmth of love that is stronger than the sun. I’ll also relish the fact that someone else is cooking my breakfast, even though it’s the gourmet delight of hospital food!
What about this current moment makes you joyous, peaceful, content, or just ok? Tell me!