(My little dogs are getting me through, especially as my “heart mender”)
When you have trauma, sometimes the smallest amount of kindness will make you blind to all the negative. I feel if I’m given an ounce of nice, I can ignore the multiple pounds of garbage that gets piled on right along with it.
I came home early from the skilled nursing hospital as it was extremely abusive and neglectful. So my coming home was already a bit traumatic as I now had to figure out how I was going to care for myself alone when the doctors were clear I needed 24/7 care.
Being rolled into my house, I was met with the stench of dog pee. I knew my dogs would go a little as they weren’t let out regularly, but I expected the people caring for my dogs would clean it in a timely manner. The laundry soap was all gone as was a lot of my food. I just fell into a heap and sobbed.
I have no ability to get anywhere or do much at all. I couldn’t deal with the pee smell, so I started on my hands and knees scrubbing all my floors. The pee has soaked in in many places that my hardwood floors are permanently stained, which made me sob more. Why would someone treat my home, which is my sacred space this way?
They did bring me more laundry soap the next day after I told them they needed to. I doubt they will pay to have my floors finished or replace the food, most importantly, they will never understand how devastating it is to have my sacred living space so recklessly treated.
Here’s my dilemma. Do I ignore it and just accept they kept my dogs alive? Unfortunately that feels wrong and unjust to my true feelings. My caregiver thinks what happened is absolutely terrible and had a few choice words for them as I was sitting and sobbing about it all.
I tried to start a dialogue with one of them this evening to say I was hurt, but true to who she is, she just ignored me. Not engaging in a conversation about conflict and just disappearing feels worse than than the conversation itself.
Healthy conflict is good! It makes relationships better and makes them grow. Someone deciding they won’t communicate with me at all makes me feel worthless and invisible.
So the logistics of coming home were traumatic as the skilled nursing was so bad, then getting here to see I was taken advantage of and nothing was cleaned up properly made it worse. I guess the fact that there’s zero communication is the worst. If there’s one thing I’ve realized this past year is that I have a voice and deserve to use it, especially in situations that are wrong against me.
By the way, my peaceful and gentle energy home now feels terrible. Any ideas on clearing negative energy from your house besides sage (makes me sneeze). These two ladies have completely wrecked the zen feeling of my home.