Things have been so rough. I was getting used to a new normal with chronic illness, but the bottom dropped out of that, so now Im dealing with an even newer normal that is much more difficult.
It has frankly put me in a funk. My son and I also had a terrible vacation I was gifted for our birthdays. I never wanted to see my precious 11 year old see me screaming and crying in pain as driving hurts so much. Well everything hurts. My situation is pretty bad, but I need to refocus on what is good.
When I was really working on my childhood trauma, I used a lot of gratitude for my current day circumstances to heal. There is ever increasing research that gratitude can actually change your brain to feel more positive. I definitely need to feel more positive.
I’m grateful that I have a small circle of friends who check in on me regularly and within that circle are a couple who can absolutely take me at my worst and do the most loving things that reinforce it will be ok no matter what. It will be ok because I’m not alone.
I was alone. I’m still alone in many ways. When I left trauma treatment, I had no one except the connections I made there. At that time, they were in no position to help me. I still leave the “emergency contact” blank at hospitals and doctors offices, but I have worked very hard to cultivate a small circle, and I am so incredibly grateful for them and not to have that feeling of being so alone anymore.
I’m grateful that despite my illnesses, I have a clear mind that can continue to be creative, and I can use my voice.
I’m grateful that I’ve been able to meet so many people over the course of my lifetime. Most of them are gone as time, illness, trauma, and toxicity takes them away, but for those moments they were part of my life, I learned something from them.
I’m grateful that I have a couple people in my life that are pushing me very hard to explore my spirituality and take solace in something greater than I, whatever I decide that is eventually. Even though I’m a neophyte on that journey, it gives me comfort.
I’m grateful that random people I haven’t talked to in a long time send me messages of hope and encouragement. Those moments are extremely special for me. Those moments keep my trajectory going forward.
I’m grateful that I have just enough. Yes, I negotiate to not pay all my bills every month as I don’t have that much, but the electricity is still on. I still have hot water, and I feel safe in my tiny home.
Grateful to feel safe!!! So beyond grateful for that one.
I’m grateful for having a week with my son as I don’t see him much. Even though it was disastrous and not very vacation like, we got to talk a lot. Even he said the best part was just being together for so long.
I’m grateful for the two best rescue chihuahuas ever. They give me so much comfort and so many laughs when I need it most. I highly recommend getting a dog if you feel alone and are able!
I’m grateful for caring doctors who are committed to me and will listen to my hope as well as hand me a Kleenex when I cry in desperation.
I’m grateful of course for the basics. I know too many people who don’t have it. My ability to keep these basics are tenuous, but I have them now and feel if I’m grateful for them now, I don’t have to worry about the future, at least not for now.
I’m grateful for this blog. Thousands of people have stopped by to read pieces. Knowing people actually take time to read what I write is incredible. I’m especially grateful for my regular readers who leave loving comments or send inspired emails.
I’m especially grateful to be on a path to authenticity. Im grateful that i finally appreciate my uniqueness. I’m grateful I can stand up for myself even in a weakened physical state. I’m grateful for being loving and compassionate despite my trauma. I’m grateful that my trauma doesn’t rule my life anymore.
Lastly, I want to say that I’m grateful for my life. As someone who was either actively suicidal or making attempts, being grateful for my life is an incredible step.
Writing this has completely shifted my mindset from angry and heartbroken to more calm and peaceful. Try some gratitude, even if it’s the littlest of things. Focus on that for a bit and see what happens.
What are you grateful for today? Leave it in the comments. You can always remain anonymous!
With much love