(This was a note a friend keeps pinned in his cubicle from their dad. He texted it to me yesterday. I think I needed it!)
I love the cycles of nature. They remind me that there is no permanency. They show me that was once light always turns dark, but in turn that dark always turns to light.
I’m usually a light person. No matter how many awful things have happened, I am an optimist to my core. Thank you for that!! When I stray from optimism, I feel wrong. It’s like I’m wearing the most uncomfortable clothes that are also the wrong size. It just feels not organic to who I am.
It’s just been a series of negativity lately. Instead of being a woman who enjoys the sunrise, I couldn’t wait for sunset. I needed the dark. I needed to just honor that I feel bad.
As is my nature, I’m always pushing myself to be better even in my pain. I decided I wanted to walk in my backyard. It’s quite large and circling it can be relaxing. Problem is my legs are fickle. The right one likes to randomly go numb, then I fall if I don’t have my rollater.
Feeling disappointed as I really wanted to go outside, move, and appreciate the darkness, I noticed my old hiking poles by the back door. Staring at those poles reminds me of times I could walk REALLY far, but without appreciation. The sight of those hiking poles torture me, but they stay where they are.
I grabbed those hiking poles, adjusted them for my height, and started to walk in the backyard. I was putting all my weight on them, but I was walking in a circular trajectory and my two little dogs were following close behind. I found their ball, started throwing it for them and found myself giggling out loud at their play fighting and the irony being held up by my anger sticks. Fresh air turned me into a little light outside in the dark.
When I really count the negative versus my hope, my hope far exceeds anything bad or negative.
A dear friend said to me today (I’m paraphrasing a bit) “Lizzie, you do so much that’s successful with so many hardships, imagine what you will be able to do when you get treatment and feel better”. Probably the exact right thing I needed today.
Darkness is temporary. Where I’m at, the sun will be back in less than 12 hours.
I say honor the dark times. It’s very important to recognize when you’re sad, angry, not yourself, etc. I also say honor the light. Don’t forget it exists even when life seems bleak.