Being Written Off is Hard by Doctors

I’ve been extremely lucky this past year in meeting doctors that have been so helpful. Unfortunately, I sit in the hospital right now so written off that it’s unbelievable. I think this neurologist and I are living in separate realities. I wrote this poem of sorts to justify the pain of not being believed or a doctor thinking it’s in your head as I just needed to get it out. I’m hurt. I’m feeling embarrassed. I’m feeling like “why bother”. Luckily, I know why I bother and as I head home more disabled than I’ve ever experienced, I’ll have to constantly remind myself of why I bother. That’s the important part. Remembering that a doctor or any person doesn’t have the ability to wipe away your truth or take away your reasons to continue. In fact, we should be lifting each other up, especially a medical professional. If he thinks I’m crazy, then at least give me treatment for that, right??

So this is for all my friends of the chronic illness community who have ever not been believed or for anyone else who is struggling with feeling invisible today. You’re not, by the way.

Love

Lizzie

Bruised knees April 11, 2019

I hate that you don’t see me when I fall

When I bruise my hips

Break bones when I’m vacationing far away with my child

I hate that you don’t see me crawl

To the bathroom on days I’m too tired and weak to stand

I hate that you don’t see my parched lips

As water is so far away and falling scares me

I hate that you don’t see me curled up

With the hunger pains of starvation as my body feels paralyzed and so tired

I hate that you don’t see me wincing in pain

And literally crying out as the electric impulses and shocks in my body

Become just too much

I hate that in those moments you don’t see my young sons worried face

As he can see his mom in agony, but I actually wish he didn’t see that part of me

I hate that you don’t see my pain of feeling like I lost my motherhood to illness

That something I treasure so much is gone

I hate that you don’t see my sons tears or worry as his mom slowly deteriorates

I hate that you don’t see

I hate that you don’t see me explaining to you what has made me better

What I need

I know my body by now

As much as she betrays me

We have become good friends and I recognize what I need

I hate that you can’t see Im a woman of integrity

I don’t come to hospitals to play around

Or for attention

I come for help at the urging of a doctor who believes I need help and believes me

I hate that you don’t see me in that I’d rather you be forthright

Rather than lying to my face about treatment that isn’t even going to happen

I don’t appreciate lying

Transparency is what I appreciate

In seeing you

I realize you see nothing about me

You can simply “sign off”

While I go back home to try to care for a body

That crawls, is parched, is hungry, falls over, hurts, yearns to be a mom

You can move on to forget a patient who has huge battles ahead as

You never saw me

5 thoughts on “Being Written Off is Hard by Doctors”

  1. Hi I am sorry that you struggle with your pain and chronicity of illness. I am a doctor in the mental health field who is also into poetry😊. With everything validation is so important and I can see how disturbing it must be, not to get this from someone ie health professional who feel who can help you. I hope you get the answers you seek and the symptom control you need. Wishing all the support and best in your journey forward♥️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Since this post, I have found an incredible medical team that have diagnosed my diseases and have so much dedication to me—none of which were depression. There will always be things coming up with developmental trauma, but I’ve hugely healed from it. I’d love to read your poetry. Send some via email.
      Lizzie

      Liked by 1 person

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