Not Going to Happy Birthday It

I know even the most average of people with loving pasts get anxiety about their birthday. We want it to be this incredible celebration and really happy day, to find disappointment. Maybe people you wanted to remember didn’t or someone you really love got you a gift leaving you saying, “what??” as it feels like a betrayal that they didn’t know you well enough.

Tomorrow I turn 43. I’m dreading it. I’m still in the hospital and feel people will remember because Facebook will tell them. I have spent so many holidays and birthdays alone, especially this past year as being sick has excluded me in my ability to be festive. How do you celebrate when you are just trying to figure out how to make your body work enough to get a glass of water?

Anyway, the typical birthday dread has been setting in for over a week. It gives me nausea. My mom would throw her worst of the worst at me to remind me that I was useless, stupid, evil, unloveable, etc. I’m not going into the details of what she did, but I want people to know if you have sexual trauma from your mom, you aren’t alone. You can email or comment if you want support or need more. It’s a horrible thing to overcome feeling like if your own mother hated you so much, how could anyone have love for you. SHE was wrong, not you. My lack of connection and attachment to my mom messes with my self concept multiple times a day. I just have to build myself up and recognize that there are some people who think I’m pretty amazing. But missing having a mom is something I will grieve everyday of my life.

Anyway, that was an aside, but felt it was important as I wish someone would have told me that experience in my early trauma treatment.

So back to birthdays. My family would throw me a beautiful birthday party with presents and cake. I remember early on thinking what a sham this party was an elaborate presentation orchestrated by my mom to show I was “loved”.

So probably makes sense why my birthday is a disaster. Instead of feeling unloved and like I have to put on a happy face tomorrow, I’m going to celebrate that today is the last day of my life that I’m 42! I think that is where the rite of passage lies. I’m going to feel good today and appreciate that I’m alive, making it pretty well, all things considering, and love what makes me unique.

Tomorrow I’m going to sit with grief. I’m going to be sad without any judgment. I’m going to feel and feel and feel. It’s still going to suck, but it’s going to be authentic. I hate my birthday. It makes me sad. It really makes me angry. I’m going to feel that. If I’m lucky to have some good conversation with friends who celebrate me tomorrow, I will accept the welcome break from grieving.

You don’t have to do what I do, but if you want to celebrate on your birthday, make sure you tell people. It’s pretty low in statistical probability that you will get a surprise party. If you also want to honor yourself, do that. I might next year!

Nonetheless, happy last day of 42 to me!!

And a huge happy birthday to you no matter what day it falls on. I think you’re pretty great!

Love

Lizzie

5 thoughts on “Not Going to Happy Birthday It”

    1. I’m going to post about the crazy beauty that has happened on this day in a bit. Miracles really happen. Trying to recover from 9 days in the hospital with my dogs currently!
      Love
      Lizzie

      Like

  1. Lizzie, I was scrolling through posts here on WordPress when I came across this post from you. I am so so sorry to hear about your experience with your mother. You are not unlovable, because God LOVES you. Our parents are a product of their environment. Chances are high that she too grew up in an abusive environment, and she is simply doing to you what was done to her. She is your mother, and mothers typically have at least a little love and empathy for their children. Have you ever told her how her words make you feel? Have you ever told her that you would sincerely want to have her in your life? Maybe you should. To some people, the way they behave is not apparent to them, unless they are talked to about it. Also, Birthdays are a thing of joy. I can agree that a lot of us need to lower our expectations on Birthdays. However, it is honestly a thing of joy. If no one remembers, God does, and he cares. We need to learn to lean under the shelter of the most high. Pray to the Lord, and commit everything that you are dealing with into his hands. Pray about your mother, pray about birthdays, pray about everything. A relationship with God begins with faith in the lord, prayers to God, obedience to the Bible, and a passion for Christ. God is ready, the question is, are you?

    Below are a few Bible verses to encourage you, stay strong.

    The Bible says in Philippians 4:6
    “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done”.

    The Bible says in Matthew 7: 7-8
    “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened”.

    God says in Isaiah 41:10
    “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand”.

    God says in Jeremiah 29:11
    “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope”.

    If you do not yet have a relationship with the Lord, I would strongly suggest that you begin one. There are a lot of blessings that comes from knowing the Lord, and being in fellowship with him. If you already have a relationship with the Lord, that is good, keep believing and working to deepen your relationship with him, and I am sure that he would come through for you somehow.

    If you want to know about God in more detail, you can find further information here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/10/23/a-few-things-that-i-have-learned-about-god/ And Here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/

    May God’s blessings be with you, Amen. ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Spirituality is something I’m working hard on. A couple years ago, I never would have considered it as some of my abuse was done in the name of God.
      I appreciate your lengthy comment. I’m actually writing a book about many life lessons of healing I learned from getting so sick and includes my discussion of how spirituality is coming into my life. I believe even if we believe in the exact same thing, our relationship with a higher power or God or whatever word someone uses is very personal.
      I’m definitely working towards it. I actually ended up having a happy birthday. I spent it alone as I was discharged from the hospital that day, but i did lower my expectations. Despite being alone, flowers and a gift were left on my kitchen counter when i got home from my dog sitter. Despite a lot of ugliness, I also receive big miracles that can only be explained one way.
      Thank you again for your compassion.
      Lizzie

      Liked by 1 person

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