Yesterday was one of those days. Last night was one of those nights. I’m talking about those kinds of moments where you feel like you will never get ahead and nothing will ever go right again.
I’ve been having a long standing problem with food making me sick on some level for years. A year ago, I was diagnosed with celiac disease. I went gluten free, but after a month of still feeling horrible, I went on a strict anti inflammatory diet. It’s been 11 months of that, and I still get bouts of nausea ranging from mild to debilitating without any pattern I can figure out.
Yesterday, I had something fairly spicy. I thought I would be fine and had plans to do some shopping, an errand, and call a friend. Instead, the nausea and headache hit me hard. I was in bed at 2 pm and didn’t get up until 10 am this morning. The dogs didn’t go outside and definitely didn’t get dinner. I could hardly move as I just HURT.
Sometimes when I feel intense symptoms, I feel like I must be crazy and that I’m somehow making this up , and I start to feel guilty??!! Guilty for who, I’m not sure as I’m the one who is suffering, and I’m definitely not putting anyone out except for myself in those moments.
And of course, the trauma always comes back. It’s those all too familiar feelings of guilt about being sick as my being sick would put my mom out and it made her mad. My existence already ruined her life on a good day, so you could imagine how much she despised me if I actually needed something.
Nonetheless, I was miserable yesterday. I also get extremely disillusioned with my health as I am so committed to health. I’m a doctors dream, and have been told it too by a couple over the past year. I don’t know anyone living a healthier life than I am.
This morning I decided I wasn’t going to sit in misery of whatever in my life didn’t feel fair. I was going to focus on what I do well and just have a simple day of self care and leave my over analyzing and constantly thinking brain at home.
I went and got all my hair cut off. I’ve wanted to do it for awhile. Long, curly hair is very hard to manage when you’re often too sick to care for it. The tangles just add stress to my life. Going to my hairdresser was exactly what I needed. She said what I needed to hear, “you are so inspirational. You affect so many people and probably more than you will ever know. You are also lucky that you’re so beautiful. You are naturally beautiful, but you have inner beauty too that few could ever have”. People say pretty incredible things to me a lot, but it’s usually the same people and ones that know what I’ve been through. She only cut my hair once, and she’s sincere. It might have been the first compliment I ever heard, received, truly believed, and incorporated into my self concept.
So yesterday, I was stuck in feeling like there was nothing redeemable about my life or existence or health, so I woke up this morning to find it. I certainly did with a hairdresser and a whole lot of personal tenacity to accept things are not always great, but if you look for beauty amongst the rubble of your life, you can see it and others may too.
I hope you know there’s always something redeemable even in the worst of times.