Obviously my blog is about being authentic and admitting to adversity and managing it. Unfortunately, I can’t be totally authentic in this. I want to give the knowledge that I still have moments where I hugely struggle.
I have moments where I feel so alone as many people have left my life (or I chose to leave theirs) due to people not being able to handle my multitude of physical illnesses and how it doesn’t always make me feel joyful and happy. It’s hard to be authentic about feeling bad when people leave when you admit you do. Those moments of loneliness only compounds the physical pain, and I begin to feel like a terrible person who must deserve this, but an unexpected person will appear giving me accolades and reassurance that I’m not terrible, but pretty great.
Another thing I can’t be so authentic with is when I get really low. I definitely get low and have moments where I feel I can’t keep going, but I still do. I’ve been warned that my blog and social media are watched to make sure I don’t stray from impeccable mental health for reasons of parenting, payback, and a whole host of other things when you’ve dealt with a lot of unkind people in your life who are looking for a way to bring you down. So if it looks like I’m living this simple life of ease and wonder with the world, I’m not.
I just make this post so I can achieve the goal of authenticity while maintaining my personal boundaries for what suits me best in living the most productive life I can given a history of developmental trauma and a slew of diagnosed, painful illnesses.
I definitely do have tons of joy and that’s what I choose to make much of my focus. I have new people entering my life, some of which I’m extremely excited to form new friendships! I also do get amazed by the courage I show daily in managing my life where the practicalities are done alone. I also enjoy focusing my blog on what works when you have complex PTSD and not so much what doesn’t as we can all tell ugly stories of hardship and deep depression or anxiety (much needed and appreciated BTW), but I’m trying to show that there is more to life than being a psychiatric diagnosis when what you really needed to do was work through it, feel your feelings, and find true love and support in a community that understands.
Do I have days where I’m curled up in a little ball wishing it would all be done as the physical pain gets loaded with emotional pain and it’s too much? I definitely do, but I have even more moments where a simple drive to the grocery store inspires in me my childlike wonder of the majesty of the mountains again as I first saw them when I was 10. I have many more moments of feeling like the world is an ok place and better for my being a part of it.
So the ugly moments are there, but they also pass and a bit of fresh air with a deep stretch and long inhale and exhale will also bring me back to gratitude. Every. Time.