Do you ever feel chaotic and like you are bending and breaking and it will never end? I used to be that way, but as in my above painting, I recognize my strength.
The past several days, I got hit with a flare of my chronic Epstein Barr virus. I was sleeping nearly 20 hours a day and that precious 4-5 hours I was awake, I was working on my writing, reading constantly to become a better writer, and doing my best to maintain healthy eating.
I was honestly scared as it’s frightening to be so tired you can’t move or think much and even in the couple hours you are awake, you want to sleep. I was afraid I wouldn’t get better this time.
Today, I emerged from my cave, i.e., my bedroom and got writing done, and my favorite is where I create art with my personal quotes.
I felt my limbs bending and breaking these past few days. It was pretty terrible, but I’m lucky to have a friend who is terribly sick that I can message everyday with my fears and she always responds with the appropriate encouraging words. I hate it when I feel sick and people respond with “you’ll be fine”. The nature of what I deal with doesn’t mean “fine” will ever be in the picture. This friend can send love or virtual hugs or plenty of words of wisdom.
When you’re in a place of chaos, whether it be emotional or physical, it’s important to remember that you can and will weather the storm. Depending on how much of my blog you’ve read, you will understand I’ve had so many storms, and I remain strong and intact.
So I weathered another storm of extreme physical illness, but I did emerge. I’m not 100%, nor will I ever be, but I’m back to a self that can create art, write, read, and enjoy living even if I can’t quite leave the house yet. Sometimes joy has to be “causeless” as my meditation teacher was drilling into my head and recently clicked.
I just wanted to share that we all have weathered many storms, whether it was a lifetime of trauma or just regular old irritating stuff that happens. The important part to remember is that our beautiful core remains intact no matter how far and broken it may seem.
The best advice I have been given in the recent past is “sit with the fact that you’re not broken and never have been”. It’s true. Abuse and developmental trauma might have destroyed me, or so I had thought, but they didn’t break me. I am a tree with a strong trunk and unwavering roots. So are you. Find it!
P.S. I will be adding a blog where you can buy poster prints of my art that I am going to price as cheaply as possible. Stay tuned if anything has struck you!