I have been lying in my bed for 4 days in agony. Of course the physical pain never stops, but this time, it’s been emotional agony.
I can’t go into too many details about what it’s about until I notify all the people involved and what I refuse to accept anymore. I will say, I refuse to accept abuse no matter how painful it is to leave behind or the implications for my life.
It’s been quite the day of reaching out for support in making an impossible decision. I have received wonderful words of encouragement, but when someone called me “selfish”, I knew that some people will never understand. I’m not selfish, I’m about to engage in huge self preservation.
There is no hidden fact that physical disease is exacerbated by stress. The situation I am choosing to leave behind causes me huge stress and aggravates my physical conditions every time.
I deserve to be well, whole, peaceful, and even happy at times. I don’t deserve to not follow my dreams and goals because of an abusive situation makes me question my abilities and talents, and often even my sanity.
I’ve spent the past couple years weeding out my closet of people who treat me less than what I deserve. I stopped being sweet and nice to the wrong people (plenty of people still get that side of me!), but the most important thing I realized in the past couple years is that I have a VOICE and a powerful one. People who used me as a doormat haven’t appreciated me figuring that out much, but as people who have developmental trauma, we end up losing our voice along the way. Our needs become unimportant. We become complacent with whatever.
I have shed a lot of tears over this decision. Probably more than any decision I’ve ever made. One friend suggested I write a love letter to myself about my bravery and courage.
Perhaps the best words I got today were:
I can imagine how that decision has weighed on your heart. Go where the peace is-even if it still makes your heart ache. I am so sorry their cruelty has brought you to this place. There is no reason to mistreat someone-ever…guard your heart above all things, and to me that sounds like what you are doing.
As I said, I’ll write more about what has happened as I can. I just want to reassure you, and perhaps me, that sometimes the most painful and impossible decisions may open up doors.
And with that, I’m going to get up to do some yoga, write a love letter to myself, and get to work on the wonderful opportunities I’ve been offered that I’ve been neglecting as I’ve been too busy engaging in being entangled in an abusive mess.