(Near Daily yoga and my sweet pup give me strength to believe in myself everyday as I manage to do the impossible with a very disabled and sick body)
I spent a near lifetime of doubting myself and accepting basically crap from people. I didn’t believe in myself or my talents whatsoever. My mom trained me well to believe I would always fail and that I was just generally a loser unfairly taking up space on this planet when decent people could be in my place.
She was my mom, so she had to be right? WRONG!! After years of never believing in myself no matter how much others believed in me or how much talent I might have shown, I always gave up. I was taught I would always fail, so I made it come true.
I talk a lot about mother abuse on this blog as it’s very taboo. So many times I’ve seen people post on Facebook that “you have to love your mother no matter what”. “Your mother gave you life, so respect her”. “People who disrespect their mothers are terrible people”.
A friend of mine who also suffered terrible mother abuse said something along the lines of, yes her mother gave her life and in that mothers are supposed to enter into a contract of being loving, nurturing, and supportive. Well, if your mom didn’t hold up her end of the contract, then why should I as being her victim instead of her baby? I always say the biggest thing she taught me was to hate myself.
A couple years ago, I decided to take my power back. I had a wonderfully supportive psychologist and finally had the maturity to realize what was wrong with my mom, not me.
In taking my power back, I realized I didn’t have to be a complacent and a quiet girl who just accepted everything, good or bad. I began to feel empowered.
I was supposed to have lymph node surgery last week. It’s extremely serious, but a doctor I have never met decided to cancel it the night before as he decided I just had an infection despite what every other doctor said.
I didn’t just accept it. I believed it was wrong. I saw my primary care today who also believes this was wrong and unjust and ridiculous as an infection is usually your lymph nodes in your neck will swell for a bit and go down after you get over the infection.
I believe in myself. I believe in my right to proper healthcare. My primary care has more access to the radiology reports than I do. She said I have lymph nodes swollen in my chest, lungs, collarbone, and back. This has been consistent for 5 months. In believing in myself and advocating for myself, she believes in me.
She submitted a stat order to UC Davis medical center, which is the best of the best for this. She understands this is extremely serious and potentially dangerous to wait. It’s about 2 1/2 hours away. I’m not totally sure how I’ll get there, but I’m going to.
She also gave me the name of a doctor that will only take the rarest of rare cases that no one can figure out. If you remember the TV show “house”, she’s kind of a real life version. So we are going to submit my lifetime of medical problems to her in hopes that she will take my case.
I just say to believe in yourself as yes, this is a story about one medical professional so committed to me that it’s inexplicable, but I love it and despite the fact I don’t have tons of hope I’ll ever get well, it definitely helps to have people walk beside you.
Besides having a medical professional walk beside me, I have a growing number of people who do. People help in ways that are beyond anything I ever thought I deserved. I realize now that I do deserve it.
If trauma has made you meek, a total rule follower, utterly compliant, feeling like you deserve less than the best, or however a number of ways trauma teaches us to continue to be abused, I challenge you to turn those thoughts around. Unfortunately the strong get help. The meek and silently abused get ignored even if they need the most help.
I have attempted to mentor, mother, nurture, and just spread love to so many trauma survivors who break my heart as they stay in abusive relationships, don’t see their worth, and have a ton of self hate. I have been there. I was that person. I understand the feeling.
Please just challenge yourself to understand you deserve the very best. I will continue to spread my message of hope and healing from CPTSD as it’s possible. Wrap your arms around yourselves and squeeze yourself into the most beautiful hug to recognize that you are still here even with the horrible things that have happened.
The past is the past. Release it and live for today. They don’t deserve to make you miserable forever. Believe in yourself. I do.