Parental alienation is horribly painful. One thing in healing from my childhood trauma is that I went from being a mom who tried really hard to becoming a phenomenal mother. Many mom friends looked to me as an example of what a mom should be.
Was I a perfect mom? Absolutely not, but I did things with my son and for my son that were impossible given my circumstances and health. I took him camping for nearly 2 weeks this summer as a chronically ill, physically disabled mom ALONE! I also did things for him and took care of him, sometimes foregoing medical care as I couldn’t afford the copay or delaying getting a prescription as it was too much money. A friend paid my water bill 2 days before it was shut off as I was doing my best to take care of my precious child.
I did it without resentment as my son needed his mom. I loved my time with him. We had beautiful and precious moments together. I’m writing to him in a journal about every other day without any finger pointing or blame. My journal is about my love for him and the wonderful things we have done together. Sometimes I just write about my day or how a song came up on my playlist that he loved to sing with me.
It’s the best I can do when my child has been unfairly ripped from me. The other thing I can do is live my best and strongest life. I’ve been asking for help and support. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. I think parental alienation is hard to understand unless you’ve been through it. I will say my son is definitely not better off without me.
I understand he may be told I don’t care or don’t want him. It’s absolutely not true. I had to draw boundaries so I can take care of myself. If I can’t care for my health or end up having my water shut off as a result, I will be no good to my son.
I can only hope someday he comes back into my life. At that point, I can show him the journal and he will see how much love I have for him and never forgot him.
There are plenty of moments I break down sobbing as I miss him so much. I wake up in the middle of the night to roll over to rub his back and realize he’s not there, and he may not ever be there. If you haven’t experienced the pain of parental alienation, I hope that paragraph will explain just how heart wrenching it is.
The truth is that I’m strong. Last September, I was put on antivirals for my Epstein Barr that keeps coming back with a vengeance. I had a moment of feeling better. I knew I needed to go away as I hadn’t seen my son in quite awhile then either. I had to remind myself that I’m not just a victim or a sick person. I’m a woman with a “spine of steel” that someone very special to me has told me for over 20 years. The top picture is of me on an airplane flying to Tokyo all alone on a trip I had booked a mere 48 hours earlier with the last of my savings account.
I knew I would have spent that money on useless medical treatments, so why not go somewhere to get back to the root of who I am?
I don’t have the ability to take a random trip, financially or health wise now. Heck, i can’t even find my passport! I do have moments to remember my strength though. I can continue to write, paint, do yoga, and properly release my aggression through wheelchair basketball.
The best we can do is just continue to try. Abusive people don’t get to break us anymore. All we get to do is live a full life, while honoring our sadness and recognizing our joy. We also live plenty of average, in between moments.
No one can make me quit. I may feel heartbroken over losing my son, but as we heal and set boundaries, people of our past won’t like it. I was a doormat before spreading kindness to everyone, deserved or not.
I still spread kindness, even to those that hurt me, just not directly. I do the “loving kindness” meditation every night. I find I do it more for people who hurt me as I know if the people causing me distress accept loving kindness, they will envelop it into their own lives.
So for my son’s dad, I’ve been dedicating loving kindness meditation to him as I do wish him health, happiness, peace, and kindness. Even if it never comes my direction, I can only hope it extends towards my son.
I talk about parental alienation directly as I wasn’t going to as I felt like I needed to keep it quiet, but I deserve to tell my story. I deserve to be heard. I’m not finger pointing, but I am definitely sad. I miss my child more than I can express. The only people who understand this are others who have gone through it. It’s like a huge hole that can’t ever be filled. It’s also common for those of who heal to be subjected to nasty and awful things.
I can just go forth working on my strength and always with loving kindness whether it is ever recognized or not.
That was more my own motivational speech over for anyone else, but if you are experiencing parental alienation, send me an email or leave a comment. I’m finding some great resources.