After being extremely ill for what’s been years, but very seriously for 19 months, shopping isn’t one of those things you tend to do. Living alone, my biggest shopping outing is going to the grocery store occasionally and the pharmacy. Not too exciting when it’s a chore.
I discovered the beauty of amazon prime and subscribe and save, so my basic items just show up at my door once a month without fighting for energy to just get toilet paper.
My neurologist over a year ago recommended I go as chemical free in my home as possible. When I saw my chemical free shaving cream was over $9 on amazon and know it’s around $3 at target, I decided today was going to be my first attempt at shopping in a regular store in over a year. (Says how much I haven’t shaved in a year if I only needed one bottle in over a year!)
So after yoga, I got my blood drawn and headed to target. Don’t worry, I didn’t buy a basket full of stuff. My basket was full of my purse, water bottle, and light jacket. I decided to just wheel around and look as after so many months of mostly being stuck at home, a trip to target was a huge deal for me.
I’ve been very lost in grief with losing my son and a lot of ick medical news from my primary care on Monday. It was getting the best of me. It was blocking my will to do much of anything.
As I get used to using my wheelchair more, it gives me energy. It’s hard to attempt to walk on legs that are pretty useless. It was also a huge source of my fatigue. If you can imagine how tiring it would be to walk in legs that don’t work, it’s pretty unbelievable. As I can “technically” walk, even though I collapse a lot and fall over regularly, resigning myself to using my wheelchair has been hard.
As I get involved in the disabled community, I’m learning that there are lots of wheelchair users who can walk a little, but like me, it exhausts them. I always had the misperception that wheelchair users couldn’t use their legs at all. So not true.
It’s exciting to create life where I can be mobile. I also know it will exclude me from places and organizations, but I’m not interested in supporting places not interested in supporting my needs anyway.
So much about me has changed these past couple years since I decided to truly be better from my childhood trauma. My emotional well being is so much more solid (I definitely falter and question too), my body has fallen apart, but as it has, I have learned to treat my body with true love and take such good care of myself. I’m physically stronger than ever. I did my first headstand ever in yoga today! You want to talk about some strength. I ended up doing a somersault the first time, but with my teachers encouragement and support, I was doing it. I love her!
So it’s been an interesting time of grief and triumph. I suppose that’s how life is in general. Some of us just have bigger times of highs and lows, but even tiny things can seem huge. Honor your sadness whether it feels warranted or not. The only way to smash through anxiety is to feel your feelings. If you feel it, it’s valid.
I am preparing to begin another round of IVIG Monday, and it means lots of preparations around the house. I hope I can get it done. I also want to pack my sons room and store his things in the garage. I know most likely if I get to see him again, he will be too big for his clothes and too mature for his toys. I will keep a special box of things I know he will want.
I hope someone will come help me with it. It will be an emotional moment, but I also know it’s necessary. Staring at a child’s room as if they are just going to show back up when you know they aren’t going to is a bit much for my emotions to handle.
I will still keep his pictures up. The last piece of art he did was a “yin yang” symbol. A representation of the balance of the good and the bad. It’s something I will hold onto forever.
As I grieve the fact that I was supposed to be referred to an oncologist months ago, the fact that I can barely eat, perhaps have Myasthenia gravis, plenty of invasive testing I will have to do out of state, and most likely alone, I look to the love I receive at the same time. I have been offered huge support in losing my son. My medical issues are mundane and boring to many and have dropped out of my life, but I still have plenty sticking by me as they see me persevere.
Sometimes I can accept unconditional love, sometimes it’s impossible with all the rejection I’ve been through over a lifetime. People who can love me so deeply are wonderful, but also a bit scary. I’m sure anyone with CPTSD understands this process.
So when they landed on the moon the first time, Neil Armstrong said, “one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind”. For me, it’s, “one small trip to target. One huge leap in doing the impossible”.