A lot has happened in the past couple weeks. More probable diagnoses, continuing to miss my son that I have now been alienated from for over 6 weeks. There has just been a ton of sadness.
I will say, as I’m one to focus on my joy as staying mired in sadness keeps me stuck. Grateful that I have so many sons and daughters who I never got have legally mine, just young people I’ve mentored over the years. My own son isn’t legally mine, I’ve just been in his life since he was 3 days old. He’s now 12.
I was able to go to an alumni weekend for the place I went to residential treatment for my CPTSD two years ago. This is special to me as I was actually thrown out of this residential treatment and was never an official alumni. So going to an alumni weekend back to a place that reinforced how worthless I was and that my trauma was too much and I was too much… It meant a lot
I was surrounded by so much love for 3 days. I got some of the closure I desperately needed. I was also able to give an honest reading/speech about how much I have healed from trauma and how. It was wonderfully well received. People asked when my book would be coming out as they wanted to be first in line to buy it. Others encouraged me to go into public speaking. While others recognized I have a gift for helping others. I don’t want to be a therapist or counselor, but I do know I have to get my life goals together as no matter how long I live, I can spread of message of healing.
I will spread the message, even beyond this blog. I’m honest about how I feel. The weekend had wonderful moments. Also plenty of heartbreak. There was the entire gamut. If there is one thing I’m sure of, it’s that I’m glad I went.
It was outside of what I felt I could do physically, but I’m glad I pushed myself as I pushed through without regrets to do something I needed for a long time, closure. I’m definitely physically suffering in big ways now.
The top photo is of my zoom in of me in our group shot. The last is after I did my reading of my own writing , how well it was received, and so much support to continue writing and speaking. Wish I could share more. I will post my speech/readlng once I make it back and rest and can utilize my computer brain again. Keep falling asleep while writing this.
After doing the reading I was glowing hugely. I wrote the speech in under 45 minutes, so it wasn’t my best writing, but it was so loved by everyone.
I will say that no matter who you are or what you’ve been through or not, it’s important to be surrounded by love and support occasionally. It’s great to be lifted up and say you’re talented when you have been hiding your talents out of fear of being rejected. I wasn’t rejected at all. I was embraced.
At our closing ceremony, I received so much love for what I had said in my reading, about me as a person and how I have chosen to manage what I have been dealt with an air of gratitude, and was granted a bit of closure I have needed desperately. This final picture is me crying huge tears of joy being embraced by a woman I have huge admiration for. I am crying HUGE tears of JOY! A remarkable feat for someone who rarely to never cried for 10 years until I decided to start healing.
As you will hear in my speech, illness has been a gift for me. It gave me the time to stop and examine how I was living and how I wanted to continue to live, which was not in misery over trauma that had happened in the past. I am choosing to live as peacefully as I can even with all I go through. My present time may be filled with health problems, but I am safe from abuse.
(And this was definitely not my best writing either as I have fallen asleep several times over the course of 3 days trying to get this done!)