So while I was gone on my trip, I fell several times. I got home thinking the pain, numbness, and tingly feelings must just be something neurological. Then my wrists started swelling really big. Having 7 fractures in 2 years, I went Monday for an X-ray. The verdict was that I had just severely sprained both my wrists from falling so many times.
I was thinking, well this sucks, but no big deal. Except it is a big deal when you have no family.
Are you one of those people who have no family, because they have all died, OR are you one of those people like me that don’t have family as they have hurt you so much that you choose not to have family as they will only hurt you more?
I posted on Facebook that I had sprained both my wrists. Everyone knows I can barely use my legs and would set me up for more falling if I did use them. I also posted on Facebook asking if anyone would bring me an avocado?
All I asked for was an avocado and some company. From Facebook, I got zero response. I texted about 3 people asking if they could bring me an avocado. After no response, I took myself to the grocery store.
I wore sunglasses into the store as I knew I would cry in pain pushing my wheelchair and doing all that grocery shopping entails as a disabled person. I figured, I may as well buy a few things as if no one would bring me an avocado, no one will bring me anything else if I’m stuck at home for longer than a week.
So I’m pushing my wheelchair and crying behind my sunglasses as my tears are about something much larger than not having an avocado. My tears are about not having family. Family are the ones who step up when you are sick.
The only one who has really stood up for me when I’ve been sick, is me. I am my family. I am just me. Many of my out of town friends know I’ve been playing phone tag with the cancer doctor. I guess it’s no big deal when you’re not family.
It’s a big deal to me, or is it? The lack of support I’ve received with barely being able to move, but I’m having to force myself to has brought me bigger sadness than I’ve known in a long time.
I often wish I had family. They would help. I’ve seen it with friends who become ill. I’ve even seen ex relationships come together to make sure the child(ren) still get to see the sick parent. I don’t have that. I’ve been blocked from all communication for much uglier reasons than I have shared with my son, but I may expose the ugliness that has happened. I just haven’t decided if I want to or not. I’m one who works really hard to not dwell in negativity.
For all of you who don’t have family either by death or abuse, I really feel your pain. If no one will bring me an avocado, then who will go through possible cancer treatment with me? I guess I go back to the idea that it’s going to be me.
I used to think this made me a terrible person, but I realize we all have our struggles. Sometimes they are bigger. Sometimes they are smaller.
I just know that no avocado equals so much and how does one wrap their mind around that? I have done an amazing job at caring for myself as I’ve learned through example not to expect much from people.
As I always say, “it is what it is” and I go about my day, which right now is lots of resting and continuing to reinjure my hands as I have to eat and there are dishes to be done and one has to wash their pjs. I gave up on that. I’ve been in the same ones for 4 days and haven’t showered in 6. It just literally hurts too much.
For the people who have no family, you are my people, perhaps my distance family. You can’t bring me an avocado, but you and I can know we aren’t alone.
Sometimes the hard part is that I know there are awful people from my past who I would never take their abuse again and would be happy to know I’m struggling. Unfortunately, I’ve known a lot of ugly people and continue to. Someday, I hope to genuinely be surrounded by a circle of love, although I don’t even understand what that even is.
This is really for the ones that feel so alone. I’m usually ok with being by myself as I can get out and see people, but it’s been a week except for the X-ray technician and the grocery checker.
You’re not alone, even if we are.