(Baking my cookies. Funny I had that shirt on. If only it were that easy. I sometimes think it is as easy as deciding to be happy or sad, it’s just a process to actually be both)
So much of my blog is about gratitude and positivity. The post I made yesterday didn’t have anything to do with that. I thought about deleting it, but I realized it makes me real.
Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, especially as you will always have to work on childhood trauma (if it’s part of your story) and the cognitive distortions that comes with it that only someone who has been through it understands. To someone who grew up with a loving family, these things may seem completely unbelievable or even crazy at times. I am grateful that I’ve done a lot of healing, well so much that I’m extremely proud of myself!
I don’t suffer from depression anymore or anxiety. I get the blues or some normal sadness, but it’s nothing like it was several years ago where all I could think about was dying. I once went to my therapist on my birthday. He of course said, “happy birthday!!” My response was, “the only thing happy about it is that I’m one year closer to death”. This says how far I’ve come.
This year, I was actually discharged from the medical hospital on my birthday. I wasn’t sad. I didn’t get to celebrate, although the nurses celebrated with me a lot and came in at exactly midnight to sing happy birthday and made me an adorable card. I was grateful that I made it another year. I hope to live to be 100 if I can figure out all these medical issues and work on more ways to not make me so miserable physically.
So yesterday, I was sad. My local friends felt like they really let me down. It was the hardest week I’ve had in as long as I can remember. Maybe they had their own stuff going on? Maybe they truly were busy? Perhaps I didn’t make it clear enough how bad off I was?
I have become jaded as I’ve had a few people promise to help me with things that never happened. Numerous people offered to help pull the weeds in my backyard. Well, I now have a yard of weeds over 8 feet tall, which I suppose is quite impressive considering I did nothing to make them grow. I suppose they will just stay. So as I said, it’s hard to believe people will do things when I have been promised so much to never have it happen.
My favorite is when someone is supposed to come by, and I get a last minute call that they have a cold and wouldn’t want to get me sick. I used to think it was kind, now I just find it irritating and disrespectful as pictures will show up the next day of how they went out and had a great time on Facebook.
I wish people would know that I don’t need anything. I’ve become very self sufficient. What I need is company, friendship, and a fun night out when I have a “cold”.
Regardless, I didn’t mean to complain. I guess it’s just the nature of things when you become sick and lose so much but forget what you gained in illness temporarily.
So I was very low today. I got up and did a 45 minute yoga practice that didn’t require my wrists and then got to a restorative yoga class thinking being back in my routine after a week of solitude and disappointment would bring me out of my funk. It didn’t.
I decided to reach out to an out of state friend via text and just ask if she would call as I needed a pep talk. She’s a very busy lady but within minutes, my phone was ringing. It meant so much to me that she took her precious time to “talk me off the ledge” so to speak. I wasn’t suicidal at all, it’s just a phrase I use when you talk to someone who is feeling really lost.
She let me cry big tears. She let me cry about everything from my illnesses, to feeling abandoned, to the horrible hole that is missing my son. My sadness and tears didn’t scare her away. She stayed present with me. She didn’t give me the talk that is so irritating when you are hurting of “everything will be ok. Just look on the bright side”.
All I really needed this whole week was for my pain to be seen. She saw it. She validated it. She didn’t run from it. She didn’t have to get off the phone because I was “too much”. Her acceptance of the fact that sometimes life is really hard was incredible. She let it be about me. It never gets to be about me. She’s a wonderful friend. I have had the privilege of holding her in a rough spot. She’s a reciprocal friend. I don’t even really know what happened in her day. She realized that I needed a moment, and I’ll be forever grateful that she is in my life. We kind of hesitantly call each other sisters as she knows my issues with family whether biological or chosen. It never works out.
I hope everyone has a friend they can cry to. Plenty of people cry to me, but I have realized I don’t cry to other people. My friend was so selfless and loving to let me have my moment. It probably seems small to her, but I have been lucky to begin to recognize these points of light in my journey that give me growth. My conversation with her today was a point of light. I have a rite to be real and heard and seen. I love her.
It’s taken me a long time, and I’m still working on realizing I don’t have to be bright, sunny, and smiley to have friends. I can be real and have even better friends.
After our conversation, I put a blend of essential oils into my diffuser to help uplift mood. (I’m seriously into aromatherapy, which I don’t even think I’ve blogged about!). I was also able to make my gluten free ginger cookies that have zero refined sugar, which help with my nausea. (I have celiac disease, so I’m not gluten free to be a cool hipster and zero refined sugar keeps me feeling good.)
I wasn’t necessarily perky or smiling, but I was moving again. I felt motivated to just be again. I had the slightest bit of hope that no matter how long I live, I won’t do it alone. I may do the day to day complexities and getting to medical treatment alone, but I’m not emotionally alone.
A point of light. Recognize them in your life. Huge turning points to heal from whatever ails you.
(And to my friend, this picture reminds me of S, but I know if we could find it in our size, we would be rocking it!)