(It’s a very blurry photo as there were lots of people and only wanted to show myself, so zoomed in a lot. We dressed as “price is right” contestants. You can’t see our name tags or price bids, but they looked exactly like the show)
In my time zone, it’s still Halloween. Halloween can be a difficult holiday for people for many reasons. People with severe trauma may have spent the day scared.
For me, Halloween was traumatic as I haven’t been allowed to speak to my son for almost 2 months for nothing I did, or at least no one told me. I was just blocked. I could truly tell the story of why I think, but perhaps another time.
I started my day opening Facebook and YEARS of Halloween memories of him and I came up. I wasn’t going to cry, but I felt extremely upset, so I did one of those gut wrenching, sobbing sorts of cries as my son loves Halloween. He loves dressing up and it’s just a wonderful kid holiday. My tears were also knowing this is the beginning of the holiday season meaning I probably have several in the coming couple months, I will spend alone.
It’s not that I don’t have friends, but holidays are about family. I don’t have family. I used to have a wonderful and kind son, who wasn’t biologically or legally mine, but I have always been in his life. My family is me. My friends will probably be spending the holidays with their families and that’s ok. You usually don’t get invited to family celebrations.
I’d invite people who were alone to be with me, but everyone I know has family. I understand. I understand that I will probably be alone. I also understand I’m not the only one.
Tomorrow morning, I go to the oncologist, so I had tears about that too. I had tears as my doctor is fairly certain I have myasthenia gravis. One of the things that keeps me centered is regularly going to yoga with a very special teacher. Before knowing I had myasthenia gravis, I would have just pushed myself to go. I now recognize with how hard it is for me to breathe and how much I’ve been choking that I can’t push myself. I will send myself into a myasthenic crisis where I could stop breathing, and if I don’t get medical attention immediately, I could die.
So, I was very sad and included in my tears not going to yoga this morning. My class is my community, even if it’s just a couple times a week, and my teacher inspires me to be a better person.
Not having regular yoga practice from being out of town and taking off 10 days to attempt to heal my wrists has sent me reeling. It’s been hard to be without something so central to me and don’t know how long I’ll have to refrain. Maybe yoga isn’t your thing, but you would probably cry if something you really love to do was taken from you for an indefinite amount of time. That’s where I’m at.
I will tell you the good thing I decided to do today as I knew it would be hard without my son was volunteer with a church organization to do a “trunk or treat” in a more poor neighborhood. It wasn’t even seeing the kids in their costumes, as it made me sad, it was just being able to talk to and meet new people. I really enjoy being social. Getting sick takes it away a lot. So being social and lighthearted was good for me. My sadness was with me, but I didn’t have to talk about it. We told funny stories and laughed a lot. I’m a natural extrovert.
So I turned a rather terrible day into a better one. As I prepare for bed, I’m still sad that I will never know how my sons Halloween went or what he wore or how much candy he got. I’m going to bed with sadness, but I also go to bed with gratitude that I got to laugh with new people on such a painful day.