It’s New Years Eve. Time to Make Resolutions—or maybe not

(Ringing in the new year with an activation of Epstein-Barr virus. Ice pack on my face for the fever and a heating pad on my back to ease the aches, but I also am beyond disbelief that I can feel my right hand to type this!)

One thing I did fairly well this holiday season was to not have any expectations. Holidays often bring thoughts of fairytale holiday time with loving family and a true celebration of the New Year. Having no expectations brought some tiny surprises.

The most popular resolutions are to exercise, eat healthier, or quit a bad habit like smoking. I can check off all that as those are constants in my life.

So what is this wonderful resolution I should make next year? My resolution is just to be me.

I definitely want to be less hard on myself and rest to where my body is at 80% instead of rushing out when I’ve hit 15%. Of course I want wellness and have huge goals, but I also know huge goals are very unrealistic to accomplish right now.

My stem cells have given me great neurological gains and hopeful the inflammation in my body is subsiding.

The neurological gains are obvious and definitely not a placebo, but what I wasn’t prepared for was how it would make my Epstein-Barr virus explode with symptoms. So as I believe in having a variety of feelings about the same situation, I am grateful for the procedure, but I’m also scared as this is the worst my Epstein Barr virus has ever been symptom wise.

It’s been two weeks and while I had a couple days here and there of some respite of symptoms from the virus, I’m back in bed again feeling very flu like and unless you understand the debilitating nature of fatigue you can get from a virus that never goes away, autoimmune fatigue, or have ME/CFS, you have no understanding of what this fatigue feels like.

It’s not like tired from working all day, then going to the gym, then socializing and all you want to is fall in bed. After a day or two of good rest, you are back at it. My fatigue is never ending. I often push through as laying still in my house gets really boring.

Regardless, just writing this much is making me exhausted. So I’m going into the new year, sleeping first of course, work on not being so hard on myself, and can always hope for better health, although I have stepped out of hope for that as there’s no proven way to eradicate this virus that is at the root of my problems. I can do things to help it. I just can’t make it go away.

So not really resolutions for me except to keep doing what I’m doing and hope to do it even better, especially the being really hard on myself. Those are old thought patterns from people who were trying to subvert me.

So, I’ll cuddle my dogs, continue to rest, and go about the business of being home mostly with some outings.

Definitely not how I thought my life would turn out, but it’s what I got dealt. Many people with chronic illnesses might be feeling a bit troubled by the new year. Most people who make huge resolutions don’t stay with them. If they do? Great and hope to hear about it.

I’m managing a fever and going between burning hot to freezing. I’m ringing in the new year the same as many days. Not feeling too good, but I also remember I have a safe home, a tiny circle of new friends that I might not see much of at times, but I know I probably cross their minds.

If you have a resolution that you truly believe you will stick to, tell us about it.

I’ll continue to emanate love to those I can as well as maintain firm boundaries with people who drain my energy battery.

And I will definitely keep at my excellent self care habits that have kept me going this year.

So happy new year, or if it’s not totally happy, that’s ok too. If you are doing something amazing for the new year, please share share share. If not here, with people you love so they can support you in making them come true

As I once posted “it’s ok to not be ok”. I’m definitely ok mentally. I’m just disappointed in my physical body as I have tirelessly worked to do everything possible to support my journey to wellness. No journey is simple, but if we stay authentic about how it affects us and remain in a loving place, it will be ok.



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