I’m Still Here

Perhaps if you read my last post, you are saying that’s a good thing, or if you’re one of those people I’ve had to put a lot of boundaries up, you may have some disappointment.

Despite having so much darkness overwhelm me, I took a moment to literally just breathe and continue and put my lethal concoction of pills away to be taken appropriately.

It’s not that I had any huge epiphany of why I’m staying or that anything has been fixed in my life. It was simply a comment of a loyal reader that reminded me I’m not alone in this world or how I experience pain. There’s nothing unique to my experience, the only unique part is that I choose to put it in a public format as it’s important for me to express, but I’m also beginning to understand that it’s important for others to read. I may not get many comments or likes on my blog, but my stats show lots and lots of people read it, so that has to mean something? And that simple fact gives me meaning.

I often believe I was gifted pain (and decent grammar) so I could share what it’s like to go through painful times so others will come to my blog and just say “me too” and realize none of us are so special or unique that we hurt, because we all do. Some may just feel down or others, such as I just a few hours ago have real struggle to not just take their life as I had a strong urge to do.

I will say, one comment made me realize that the most important part about my life is that I have myself. This comment made me realize I’m not ready to give up on the relationship with myself as I’m just getting to know who I really am. I’m not the person that has behaviors or traits of trauma, I’m the person beneath all that who is creative and witty and likes to be outside and works incredibly hard to be as healthy as possible so I can fulfill a list of dreams that have to do with the core of my soul, not trauma. Killing myself is about being mired in that trauma, not digging into who I really am. If I can stay focused on that woman deep inside who is innocent and pure and not hurt, life is not only ok, but has plenty of moments of beauty.

I ask all of you to dig deep inside to see who you are while taking away what people have projected onto you. What are your true dreams and desires, not what other people want for you, but what you want for you? Take lots of moments to go inside and listen to all parts of yourself and find that being that was so beautifully made before the ugliness of the world changed you. That centered place is extremely peaceful and where true strength lies as no one and nothing can penetrate or change your core, but you must find it.

I can write more about how I found mine, but it’s 3:30 in the morning, and I’m feeling tired and like this hasn’t been terribly coherent.

I just wanted you to know that I’m trying another day and with the help of another reader, I was reminded that I’m trying for me, the true me, the authentic me. You do too.



Struggling so Much

I did an amazing job at reaching out today. I had a fever of 103.1 and the pain from surgery was more than I could take and then my coparenting relationship gets more screwed up daily and that is extremely emotionally painful for me.

As I said, I reached out. I told people I was overwhelmed and in trouble. For the first time in a really long time, I want to die. I know it’s all the pain talking and feeling like I’m going to be stuck in this high amount of physical pain forever, but it’s wearing away at me. It’s wearing away at me that I have to reach out to others, but others don’t reach out to me very often. It’s wearing away at me that when I say I’m in real trouble, people shrug me off because I show such “strength”.

Everyone hits their breaking point, and I’m hitting mine. If you’ve ever been in excruciating physical pain combined with excruciating emotional pain, which is a combination of being alone during the holidays, not being able to talk to my child without it being monitored, and toss in some financial stress and a general forgetfulness of your coping skills, it’s a recipe for disaster.

I recognize my friends were all busy tonight, and I’m proud of myself for trying multiple people with multiple responses of being busy. I get so tired of people posting on Facebook that they are people you can call because they are always listening if you have serious thoughts of being suicidal. Funny thing is, they are too busy to listen! I know I’m strong, but I’m also in trouble right now.

I learned so much about the beauty of connecting with others while I was in the hospital, but now I feel like all I’m learning about is the true reality and that is that people really want to disappoint you as they can’t handle your pain. I’ve “talked many people off the ledge” so to speak, but today people said they could get to me tomorrow. It hurts.

As I sit here and stare at my lethal amount of pills in my possession, I’m angry that my despair and hopelessness gets put off until tomorrow. Yeah I’m strong, but yeah I’m in trouble too.

I want to mention I have one friend who lives in close proximity to me who would probably listen, but it was my friends that have experienced true suicidal feelings that I wanted to talk too. I’m grateful for that one friend, but today I’m feeling like I’m only important when others need me, but when my own life is at stake, they’ll get to it when they get to it. I didn’t want to overwhelm my friend who is close by.

Instead of taking all those pills, I decided I’d write about the very real feelings of suicide as I know I’m not alone in this feeling and definitely not the only person who has experienced it. I hate feeling like the world would be better off without me, and I especially hate that I think my son would be better off without me, because as I said, I’m in a super screwed up coparenting relationship and perhaps my son wouldn’t be confused anymore if I were just gone.

I’m not going to kill myself tonight, I just really feel strongly that the world is done with me, and I with it. Again, I know it’s the intense pain talking and the feeling that no one had time to care about me today and it was probably the worst day of my whole year. I always make time for people in distress, im so freaking angry that all I get are texts that I’m strong.

So don’t be scared loyal readers and followers, I’ll live to see another day, but maybe some of you, even if you don’t know me could send me some encouraging words. I know I’ve been through a lot and I’m going through a lot, but even the self assured need assurance sometimes, and I especially need it tonight.

I’m clinging to a pink teddy bear for life as someone who I know cares from a distance sent it recently. I’m trying to feel the love with which she sent it to come into me to fill that dark hole that wants to die.

And to my normal support system, could you amp up the support, just for a little while as I try to heal from surgery and move into my new house and especially as I’m helpless in everything I can’t do? I’m sorry to be burdensome, but I need a lot of help right now as I can’t drive and can barely move. Even if you know me a little, can you send me a message as to why I should keep going?

If this blog means anything to you, please tell me soon. I can’t do it alone. None of us can, and I’m not sure I’m holding on for too much longer at this rate.

I don’t ask for much, but I deeply need support. Remember, your comments can always be anonymous.

I’m trying to hang on but if the world doesn’t need me, I’m certainly feeling like I don’t need me. I’m hoping the morning will bring new perspective and maybe I’ll wake up to some encouragement.

Sorry this post has been so depressing, but believe it or not, everyday of my life comes nothing close to perfect and today I just couldn’t see any good. I at least hope that others who have struggled like I am right now try to reach out and do something different as I am now by being very real that this is hard.



Being Strong also Means Being Sad

Tonight I’m sad. I mean really sad. Not in a depressed way kind of sad, just grieving a lot tonight, and I will give you a partial list of why.

I’m sad, because I know I’m strong and people look to me for strength, but it often doesn’t leave time for my hurts to be expressed. I am realizing that my being strong also means I need to be real and the realest I can express right now is that I’m sad.

I’m sad because I have had the privilege to meet some of the most incredible people in this world, yet the truly incredible ones have been the most damaged by others or continue to be hurt or they allow their trauma to continue to ruin their lives.

I’m sad as just as I was beginning to love and appreciate myself and get out of a lifetime of feeling suicidal and make a list of aspirations and goals for myself, I fell so physically ill that I’m afraid none of it will ever happen.

I’m sad that even though I powered through my holiday all alone and made the best of it, it was lonely and brought up painful memories of the past.

I’m sad that I haven’t seen or talked to my son in a few days, and I don’t know when it will happen as I’m so sick and the situation is just screwed up.

I’m sad because I try to make everything positive, and I generally and genuinely feel positive about life even with all my setbacks, but sometimes I want to be super negative and angry, and I have no safe space to do it.

I’m sad that the last therapist I had hurt me so badly and ruined my trust of the profession that I’m feeling like I’m overwhelming my friends with my problems.

I’m sad because I keep so much to myself.

I’m sad because I splurged and bought a print of my favorite piece of art for my new house, and I just went to the kitchen where my dog was happily tearing it to shreds.

I’m sad that people who used to be my chosen family will never come through for me, but I still wish they would even though I know I can’t have them in my life. I’m just generally sad that the people I thought should love me, don’t.

I’m sad because every time I go to a doctor or hospital and they ask for my emergency contact, I have no one as I don’t have that kind of relationship with anyone in my life.

I’m sad because anytime something goes wrong in my life I feel like that little girl of my upbringing who tried so hard to smile and be happy and be smart, yet she was always made to feel like she was bad and could never do anything right.

I’m sad because people disappoint me and don’t appear to care no matter how much I ask for conversation or why. I’m sad too because I still choose people who will just disappoint me, so I know I’m setting myself up, and I can’t figure out why.

I’m sad because I feel like I don’t deserve to be sad or grieve or be anything but happy and grateful as that’s what was drilled into my head as a girl even as I was being horrifically abused.

I think the part that makes me the most sad is that as I sit here and cry alone and make my short list of why I’m sad, I know there are thousands of others sitting alone feeling immeasurable sadness alone as people don’t truly connect and want to hear others sad. We all say we do, but we really don’t. I’m lucky that I have a couple people I could call, but my life used to be one of dealing with this in solitude and I’m sad that that is the case for most people whether you had a lifetime of trauma or just a bad day.

So for all my sad friends, especially those of us in the US that are coming to the end of a holiday week and people may be more sad than usual, I again implore you to comment or email. Tell this community or me personally why you are sad. I will say I already feel a whole lot better putting it into words and into this public forum.

In sadness and love,


Thoughts on being Alone on a Holiday

(These are my boys, Napoleon and Sappy. The best holiday companions ever)

I spent thanksgiving alone, all alone except for my two loving dogs. I was just too sick with the pain of surgery and a flare from one of my autoimmune diseases.

At first I was horribly sad and angry as I pictured people I knew being together, laughing, enjoying good food, and each other’s company. What I really realized was making me angry is that sickness, whether it has been my CPTSD or my physical illnesses has stolen so many holidays away from being with my son. My son is 11 now and I love spending time with him as he’s just a very unique, bright, and outside of the box kind of kid. He’s a lot like me.

The anger about that came knowing he’s with his other parents, which normally doesn’t bother me, but my son is terrified of his step mom, which he doesn’t express to any but a couple people. You see, she was substantiated on charges of abusing my son this year, but as politics go and they’re upper middle class white people, it got swept under the rug as several investigations have before this one. Every time I try to fight for my son to be truly safe, I get sick. I get so mad at my body because it’s not fair my son lives that way. There’s not much I can do in my weakened state. Honestly, it’s an extremely screwed up situation I won’t go into more as this wasn’t what I was going to write about, but it weighs heavy on my heart and does everyday I don’t see my son.

Anyway, back to being alone on thanksgiving. The thing I realized is that I had no expectations. I was just going to be lying alone in my bed, so nothing.

The thing that disappoints so many of us about holidays is we have this expectation that it will be one of the happiest days of the year, when it’s usually not. I don’t know about you, but I’ve set holiday expectations high to where I think they’ll be magical. I’ve never had a magical holiday and I usually just want them to be over so I can climb in my bed and cover my head! Perhaps that’s why thanksgiving was so great, I stayed in bed with my head covered the whole day!

It was just a good lesson in expectations. Holidays at my house in my youth usually started out ok until the liquor came out. My mom would drink too much and then my parents would get in a nasty fight where my dad probably went out and sought solace with one of his mistresses while I was left with a violently angry mom. No wonder I used to hate holidays so much. Didn’t mean to write about that either.

Anyway, the next holiday for me is Christmas. I’m doubtful I’ll have my son, so I’m not setting any expectations except I like to decorate my house. My expectation will simply be to make my home pretty and really appreciate it on the day whether I’m surrounded by people I choose or absolutely alone. I’m realizing that no matter what, it will all be ok. Nothing has to be magical. Holidays aren’t magical, it’s those tiny moments that sneak up on you, like my friend helping me so much today. That was magical.

Sorry for the disjointed post. Hopefully you still took something from it, and I especially hope you aren’t feeling too disappointed about your holiday.



It’s Thanksgiving Isn’t It?

(Just a silly picture for a heavy day for many)

It was interesting that when I opened my news this morning on my iPhone, one of the first articles was something about “how to avoid invasive questions from your family”. Another article said something about “how to survive thanksgiving”.

It made me realize that not just traumatized people have a difficult time with this day, but obviously enough that dealing with it were some of the top stories of the day. There were several other articles that had to do with getting through painful emotions that holidays bring up.

I had originally planned to have thanksgiving with a couple friends that were coming from out of town. I was going to make them a fabulous meal in exchange for them packing my house up as I’m moving in just 10 days. My home health nurse was afraid my body was going into sepsis and was encouraging me to go to the emergency room for the second day in a row. I once again said no as with all I’ve been through medically, I just needed the comfort of my bed. So my thanksgiving guests decided not to come.

So here it is thanksgiving. I’m alone in my bed in tremendous physical pain, but I’m grateful I didn’t have to read those articles to be around a bunch of people I don’t care for (in my case my biological family and the chosen family I recently cut out of my life). Those events are so phony. You can tell so much of it is obligatory and at least all the thanksgiving celebrations I have attended were not joyous, but depressing, and I would go home feeling even more awful and unwanted even though I was supposedly around people who cared about me the most. If you are at one of those “celebrations”, I’m sorry. Send me an email to vent. I can take it, and I’ll send you one back so you know someone understands, and you are loved.

So I’m actually grateful that I’m not recovering well from my surgery. As people are so busy, I’m being left alone to sit by myself and contemplate the good in my life.

When I first had to cancel all my plans yesterday, I was NOT grateful, in fact, I was mad and felt super sorry for myself and for the first time in months, suicide crossed my mind. I knew I wouldn’t do it, it was simply fleeting and an old habit from when I’m so overwhelmed and can’t figure any way out.

But today, after lots of much needed sleep, I’m calmer and ready to support anyone and everyone that this is a hard day for. Perhaps you had to spend time with abusive family members or super toxic people because it’s the holiday and that’s what you do? I hope you didn’t have to, but I know plenty did.

Perhaps next year, you will think of a better way to spend your holiday that honors what you want to do and who you authentically are. I hope that for you.

All I know is that right now I’m grateful to be so sick and have received one amazing phone call from someone I consider one of the truest friends I have. She made me feel so much better. And who knows? If I feel better tomorrow, I can make my amazing meal I planned and eat it with my truest of true friends and a group of people she considers to be friends without families.

Thanksgiving a day late without pressure to be fake sounds pretty darn peaceful to me.

I won’t use a traditional holiday greeting here, but I will say, find some peace in this day or even the smallest of contentment. I’m totally and completely serious about sending me an email. You don’t even have to use “nice” words or punctuation. I will love to hear from you and respond.



PS If you had an amazing holiday, I am so happy for you. I know it happens, just hasn’t in my life and so many that read this blog. Perhaps you could comment on what made it good?? It would be super helpful!!

Don’t Take Crumbs When You can have the Whole Cake

Friendships, relationships, people in general are very confusing to me. I’m not exactly sure how you manage any of this. What I am learning is that I won’t be treated as less than anything I deserve, but should I be? Or what does this mean?

I have figured out that we get different needs met through different people and different types of relationships, so a variety is necessary. I have also found a very small circle who I share the intimate details of my life, and they are incredibly supportive. We may not always agree, but they show up and make me critically think about my actions, which I think makes me a better person.

One place I won’t sacrifice is in an intimate relationship. I have been dating this guy, and I will say, he is probably one of the kindest people I know, but he gives me crumbs. He doesn’t take much initiative to see me. He has flaked on some really important things and most recently with all the surgery and serious health issues I’ve had, he just hadn’t been there. I’m also getting ready to move in less than two weeks, and he hasn’t offered much in terms of help that would be useful, even though I’ve tried to be specific in my needs.

I think I’ve hung onto him because he’s nice, but he doesn’t necessarily make me feel special. I was writing him these very long messages about what our relationship means to me and plans for the future for when I’m healed up, and all I would get back was an emoji most times. I feel like my writing something special deserves more than an emoji. So once again, crumbs.

I realize I’m a hard person to be in a relationship with considering all my health problems, and I was beginning to give him an out as I’m just not good enough. Then I decided, NO!!! He knew getting into a relationship with me that this was part of my life. I am a joyous person most of the time with excitement for life, big plans for my future, and I deserve someone who is equally passionate about living and living well. I also deserve to have someone to have fun with as well as someone to support me through more difficult times. With all the pain and frustration that come with healing from major surgery, he’s never felt like someone I could call for support. Just more crumbs.

Maybe I don’t need a cake to be perfect and whole for it to make a relationship work, but I at least need it to sustain me. A few crumbs won’t do much to keep me going and be sustainable. I’m also noticing that throwing me a crumb of kindness every couple weeks is much less than I deserve.

I keep going back to a quote someone gave me several months ago by Buddha when I was weeding people out of my life, “It’s better to walk alone than amongst fools”. I’m not saying any of the people I’ve weeded out of my life were fools, but it was foolish for me to stay in any type of relationship with them.

I crave connection, and I have it. I just need to remember to turn to those that have connection with me too. Thank you to those people. There are so many moments when just thinking about you and knowing you exist are what keeps me alive.

Don’t settle for crumbs. In the end, it ends up being extremely painful.



Ups and Downs

Hey everyone,

It’s been awhile since I posted. I last said I was going into surgery to fix a problem than had been ignored for over 20 years.

I am happy to say, my surgery went well. Once they opened up my back, it was very clear why I have had bouts of paralysis for years and things were much more dire than imaging simply made it show. I was lucky to end up with an extremely talented neurosurgeon, who fixed what he could, but will probably have a couple more surgeries to completely remedy the problem. I’m ok with it if it means I’m going to continue to walk for a very long time.

So posting has been hard as I’ve been on lots of pain medicine, which has caused me not to trust my instincts and live with some bad decisions. Pain medicine is necessary when you go through major surgery, but not fun as I hate not feeling like I’m in control of my life.

I had someone volunteer to come care for me, and I believe she had really great intentions, and I appreciate what she could do for me, but I also realized some things were not quite right, which led to a low.

I was so excited about understanding how important connecting with others was in my last post. Well, today left me hating people, the world, and feeling used, and like I’m only good enough for what I can give others. For once, I wish someone would offer to take care of me, because they truly wanted to, not because they needed an escape, money, I’m a better option, etc. All my life, I’ve had to ask others for help, only to be disappointed that it wasn’t really about helping me, it was more about what I could do for them. This, sadly, was the case once again. As I said, I believe her intentions were good, but I realized that this person and so many in my past don’t really care about helping me, they are first and foremost helping them self, and my needs are very secondary, if on the list at all.

I hate being looked at as an opportunity. I wish someone would care for me without asking for money or needing a place to live or just getting something out of me. It reinforces so much of my trauma patterns in my head that I’m only good enough if I’m the one giving to others.

Leaving the hospital, I could barely walk. I needed someone to basically do everything for me without having to take care of someone else’s financial and emotional needs. Unfortunately, this is what happened. Instead of my healing, I was the one doing the caretaking. It really is my fault in a lot of ways. I knew this would happen on some level and should have asked someone else, or I should have gone to skilled nursing where they would have taken care of me and only me, and I wouldn’t have had to worry about taking care of another person.

It was such a low. In fact, I was feeling so so so low. I began to question if anyone truly cared about me or loved me just for me?? I feel like people see me and see money or see that I have nice things and that I’m buying a house, so I’m a way out to bigger and better things for them. The truth is, I have these things as I buy NOTHING. I never go out. I never eat at a restaurant. I only buy things on super cheap clearance. I follow my budget strictly. I have nice things because I work super hard at saving to not buy frivolous things or “impulse” buys so I can have what I really want. I’m not rich. I’m not a millionaire. I am a woman who is a single mom supporting myself and my son on basically a disability income.

I was low and my self esteem went into the depths of the toilet having these realizations about myself. I then reached out on facebook for needing help packing up my house to move in a couple weeks as I’m restricted from doing anything for a couple months with the back surgery. I ended up as the hours went by, people began to offer. People began to offer who were using their only day off to help ME!! When I asked what they wanted in return, it was simply nothing but to know they could help me and to see me! They didn’t want money! They didn’t want an escape! They didn’t even want a place to live! All they wanted was to help with no alternative motive that wasn’t going to be thrown in last minute. This was the high. The high is that people do love me for just me, not for what I can offer them tangibly. People simply wanted to help as it was the right thing to do.

I have honestly been so confused the past week since coming home from the hospital as to why things were happening the way they were. I couldn’t figure out why I needed help with so many things, but the person helping wasn’t doing it, except to ask for more and more money and just eat me out of house and home with the promise of helping in a couple weeks??!! I was so confused as I thought helping was about helping, not about being an ATM machine.

I know when I have helped others in the past, I didn’t expect anything in return. I helped for the sheer joy of helping others. As I have reiterated, I’m sure the person helping me wasn’t completely intentional in all of this, but the fact it happened, was pretty heartbreaking and made me feel low and useless and unworthy. I know her part wasn’t about me. I’m sure her own patterns of operating in this world affected her decision making.

The good that came out of it is that I realized I’m better than being used by anyone. I will continue to help others without anything in return, and I will expect others to help me for the same reasons. Having things be conditional or strings attached just reminds me way too much of my dysfunctional family.

Do I still love and care about the person that was helping me with all these conditions? Absolutely, but it was also an excellent reminder that I need to set boundaries with people, especially when they are doing things that are wrong to me and making me feel bad. I set a boundary today! I asked her to leave for awhile! I am super proud of myself as anyone with trauma knows that setting boundaries is hard. We HATE setting them as we get afraid people will get mad or won’t like us anymore. My new way of thinking is that boundaries make ME feel good regardless of how the other person feels. I honestly enjoyed a peaceful evening for the first time in a week. It was relaxing to only have to care for my needs and my sons. We are both in sync with each other and each of our physical and emotional needs are not overwhelming and so important to to me.

So, don’t allow yourself to be walked all over. No one is a door mat no matter how nice the person may appear. If you get an uneasy feeling in your gut, trust it. I know trauma makes it so we don’t trust any signals our body gives us, and it took me a week to figure out that my gut was giving me huge red flags and warnings. I set my boundary though. It made me extremely uncomfortable at first, but look! I had a peaceful evening again. Peaceful enough that I could gather my thoughts to post on my blog, which is hugely important to me.

So go for it! Set some boundaries. Boundaries, ironically will give you your own freedom and will keep you safe!