Shout Out to the Ones that are Suffering

I want to spread the message that if you are hurting today and find absolutely nothing good in this world this afternoon, Good for you!! We can’t be inspirational all the time, or even any of the time for most. Finding meaning in our pain is a lifelong process that some of us are lucky to find a little bit, or if you’re super lucky, you will use your pain to make a life worth living for YOU!

I give this shout out today as I found out a third person I’ve known now in 5 months committed suicide as they just couldn’t get over the pain of their life. It takes courage to live as long as you can when you feel so awful. It takes courage to secretly live a life so painful that no one even knew this person was suicidal. How courageous that they protected us all from their pain so we could all be ok while they were suffering the ultimate suffering?!

I absolutely don’t advocate suicide, but I understand what brings a person to that point as I have been there more times than I ever admit. But there was also courage in this person’s choice. Am I intensely sad they are gone? Yes. Am I intensely befallen with grief that I couldn’t help? Absolutely. Am I intensely enraged that another friend of mine is dead because they couldn’t see the beauty I saw? More than you can ever imagine. I am happy in that I can only hope they are finding some peace before their spirit moves onto whatever is next. Well, “happy” is the wrong word, it’s more like I find solace in hoping they are finding some peace.

I also just want to give a shout out for all my friends that I’ve attempted to help this past week. So many of you are completely lost in the pain of depression or allowing others to hurt you. So I applaud you for making the choice to live through it. I admire the courage you are all engaging in to make it another day when people around you cause you to question your goodness or you are believing your inner critic telling you that you aren’t good enough. Shout out Shout out Shout out for continuing on as I’m getting sick of my friends dying.

If you’re having a particularly rough day, contact me. If you know me personally, then contact me personally. If you don’t, send me an email via this blog.

Today I am sitting with gratitude that I can share what has made my life better. It’s not that my life is amazing and easy, but every moment gets the slightest bit better, even the super painful ones.

I promise to share more of my personal story and how I came to this place. I have just been contemplating how and what to tell as I don’t want to do it in a triggering manner, but a way you will all see that it was a lot of work, and I come to this place in complete honesty of knowing a life that was beyond hard.

Just remember, shout out to the suffering today!



Disappearing Act

Are you an amazing magician that can disappear when you need to the least? I am! What I mean by this is we have a tendency to disappear and not talk to anyone when we need help the most. Why do we do this? If you have any kind of trauma, our trauma taught us that if we are suffering, there will never be anyone reliable or safe to care for us if we really need help. Unfortunately, these were the times we were taught to go it alone.

I write this as 3 different people in my life have disappeared for a bit. One said something along the lines of not being in a space to talk to anyone. Another said she was going through a hard anti social period, and yet another has just been trained to be alone as a lifelong way of dealing with the world. It makes me terribly sad that my friends go hide by themselves when they hurt the most. What hurts even more, is that I understand why. I feel like no one wants to see me pain. Sometimes, it definitely gets validated that no one wants to see my pain. BUT, the new way of doing things for me IS to reach out. I have different levels of people I can tell what really hurts. I have a friend on the other side of the country that I can tell everything and never overwhelm her. On the other end of the spectrum, I have a person I can contact and just say, “I’m having a bad day. Could you please help me reframe what is good in my life?”

What I have definitely learned is that reaching out, just a tiny bit, helps so much. I may need to cry my huge tears and feel horribly painful emotions for a bit first, but then I do reach out. I let people know my struggles. Having a very very very small circle that walk beside me helps a lot. Thank you to those of you who work so hard at keeping me following the right path to healing.

If you are hurting today and doing a disappearing act, reach out to me. Your emails to me are life saving and life changing to me. I love hearing from you and supporting others the best I can. You can also feel free to comment. (Remember when commenting, you never have to give a real name if you want to stay anonymous. I understand!)



The Connection of People

I will admit this has been a horribly painful week emotionally and physically. I continue to let go of toxic relationships. It turns out to be the best for me, but I have to grieve the loss of who these people are, and I’m grieving the loss of not seeing my son much. As for the physical pain, I had a lumbar puncture Tuesday that was not routine and has left me with more pain than I had before the procedure. I’ve already been to the ER once, and considering going again tomorrow. So just some general yuck!

As I wrote about before, I can be releasing a toxic person, while at the same time a solid relationship I have is contacting me to lift me up and help me through mistakes I’m making. I want to tell you what I told this one friend who gave me a total reframe tonight. She knew I was hurting and BAD, so she gave me an excerpt from an amazing reading and we just chatted helping me to realize I will rise again from all this torment. She had already gone to sleep, but these were my final words to her:

“And you are a true gem in my life that I don’t know what I’d do without. I can be at my lowest of lows, but after any kind of conversation with you, I start to think and then I lift up and rise from my misery. A truly special friend has that ability. I really needed a reframe as it’s been a terribly painful week emotionally and physically. I know if I stay grounded and true to who I am, I will be more than ok every time. As I said, sometimes we get lost on the path and that’s when we look to true friends to give us gentle guidance to get us back on our true track. My circle may be small, but it’s solid and having people appreciate me for who I truly am is a brand new way of being around people. It spoils me as people who are the slightest bit unkind, I just want gone. Perhaps I’ve just learned how I want and deserve to be treated? I hope I offer you as much as you give me. Our friendship is a lifeline in what often seems like a storm. So thank you”

I hope you all have one person or 2 people or more that you can be genuine with. It is the greatest experience of love you will ever feel. I thought I had loving relationships before, but as I realize they are no longer and toss them out of my life, I can appreciate what they gave, and then move past to receive genuine love like I do from this friend. Feeling genuine love is what heals us from our trauma and bad experiences. Feeling unloved doesn’t have to be a life sentence. Just look for the ones who can actually give it to you. They may be found in the most unexpected places, but please find it. I know it’s so stereotypical, but love heals all. Being alone and isolated in depression, fear, and anxiety only perpetuates all those negative feelings. Trust me, I was doing it for several hours today until I decided to reach out. Reaching out has healed me and I can go to sleep knowing I’m loved instead of basking in self hate that I was doing just a few hours ago. So please, if you have no one to genuinely love you, email me. I respond EVERY TIME!!! I love hearing your feedback and I have genuine love for anyone who is on a path to healing no matter how lost, sad, depressed, engaged in self hate, self harm, any of it. If you want wellness even in the slightest way, you are a hero. Email me please. Your emails and comments are what keeps my blog going. I need reassurance too. I’m not perfect and make lots of mistakes in my healing journey, but I want you to know that that’s ok. We will all get there. I promise!



“Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming.”

All I can say is these past few days have been crazy. It has been emotional upheaval and my physical health went completely downhill to the point I ended up in the hospital after an extremely bad lumbar puncture. With all that, you would think I would be lost in fear, anxiety, depression, wanting to completely die… Well, the me of the past would have gone straight there and stayed there for months, if not years.

Instead, I went to my centered and grounded place, which is a place where things still affect me, but they do not devastate me. I don’t know if there is a name truly for this place inside, but we all have it if you are willing to accept it is there. For me, I just like to think of it as my authentic center. It is my center that knows no matter what is thrown at at me, I have myself. Everyday, I come to love my inner, authentic self more and more. I realize she is not bound to all the upheaval and disasters that seem to keep showing themselves in my life. What I am bound to is my love and light inside and the real and honest love and light that is sent my way through other people.

So, I never quote movies as I never watch them, but for some reason “just keep swimming. Just keep swimming” popped out at me today as it’s a representation of the power to just continue on no matter if you don’t know where you are going, you are tired, and completely lost. That’s me today, but I’m going to keep going! You do too!



“Sometimes in my tears I drown, but I never let it get me down”

That is not my line, but I wish it was. It is from a song called “one day”. It’s extremely inspirational in a goodness of humanity sort of way.

I haven’t posted in a couple days. This time though, it was because I have been engaging in life!

In one of my recent posts, I talked about getting rid of toxic relationships. I have a bit of a testimonial for you. I absolutely slammed the door on a LOT of toxic people as I really realized they don’t help me, as much as I wish they would, they Do NOT!! They were hurting me so much and causing me a lot of distress and anguish and was crying in sadness and anger constantly. Well, as I said, I slammed that door on a lot of people in many ways literally, and certainly figuratively. Do you want to know what happened?? Abundance. Abundance happened in so many ways it is almost unbelievable for a person who never thought anyone cared or loved me. My nutritionist took me to a yoga class where I’ve made a wonderful connection with a yoga therapist who healed her own health issues with yoga and nutrition. I gave up on therapy pretty much as I couldn’t seem to get out of my house with any regularity to get to an appointment, and the copay is not really affordable in my current budget. Well, a therapist who I highly respect and admire for his authenticity and general encouraging words he’s given me over the extremely short time I’ve known him agreed to see me via skype on a flexible schedule for free! I told him I would compensate when I’m able. A random woman, who I have a lot of admiration for, is going to drive me to my lumbar puncture that I was sure I was going to have to cancel as no one (well no one toxic) would take me. I ended up with a roommate who is going to be very helpful to me with a compassionate heart. A very old friend who I haven’t seen in 20+ years randomly asked to take me to an amazing concert. The absolute best part (as all this isn’t amazing), my physical health feels just the slightest bit better! My emotional health is definitely better. I drowned in tears today, but instead of tears of intense sadness and anger, they were tears of joy over the abundance that is presenting itself to me.

That is my testimonial. I know it doesn’t make any sense except if you open yourself to love and leave the hate behind, it comes. My heart for the first time feels extremely abundant as I don’t feel alone. I have been surrounded by so many people my entire life, but my loneliness was extreme. The people I was surrounded by didn’t really love me. I didn’t really love me. I am beginning ever so slowly in everyday in every way to love something different about myself.

I will leave you with how an abundant heart that is open to love is changing me. I took my son swimming today. The pool had a diving board. I have always been completely terrified of diving head first off a diving board. Today, I did it, several times, and it was pure joy! I even got to teach my son how to do it! It was fun, and I wasn’t afraid. It’s not quite so scary when you’re not alone.

I encourage you all to dive head first into the pool as you leave fear and hatred behind and make a path to allowing people to know your beautiful soul.



Love is Abundant, if you look in the right place

(I keep this scarf hanging on my bedroom door to remind myself that I not only need to have love for myself, but others genuinely love me too)

When I would go to sleep at night, my mom would tuck me in and always remind me “no one could ever love a person like you”. I have lived my life based on this principle of being completely unloveable. When I thought I would find love, it wasn’t true. The love I had found was based on conditions and me doing everything for them and nothing for me. No one has ever really loved me, until I started to find some love for myself.

It didn’t happen suddenly. I would find myself beginning to question those negative core beliefs. It started with really listening to compliments people gave me. I figure if someone is giving me a compliment, they are giving me a gift of themselves. I needed to take it, not negate it. So my love for myself began with taking in compliments from people, who were usually strangers as I didn’t really believe the people who “loved” me. Their compliments were based on conditions.

I then started to engage in some things I used to think were complete BS, and a lot of you may think they are too. I got really involved in my yoga practice. Yoga is really about self love for me. It is about loving that my body can move and that I have a body and yoga is about connection to myself. I know it’s super trendy right now to talk about yoga, but when I did my yoga practice consistently 20 years ago, I found I had much more inner peace then too. I dropped out of it for several reasons that aren’t important to discuss now. Anyway, these past 7 months, I’ve really gotten back into it. I can’t even do the physical part so much with my illnesses, but the connection with myself and going inside to find peace is what I practice everyday.

The next thing I really got into was aromatherapy (another thing many think is BS), but when you are breathing in something strong smelling, it makes you BREATHE!! Breathing leads to calm and different oils have different benefits. I mostly use a sleep blend and a calming blend. They genuinely help. I had a friend tell me that “her problems were way TOO BIG to be cured with yoga and aromatherapy”. I will say, mine are too, but they are tools I can use to help me when I get scared or anxious or alone. It won’t cure your trauma or make you feel like the world is a shiny, happy, place, but it can help you get to a place of peace and knowledge that the authentic person you are inside is good and worthy of being treated well.

As I leave behind the people who didn’t really love me, doors for new, true, authentic love are opening. I hope you all stop looking for love in places you will never find it. It leads to extreme pain and grief. Leaving old, toxic relationships is painful too, but there will be healing from that. If you continue to engage in toxicity, you will never heal as you are always doing battle.

If you feel you have no one that loves you or have no love for yourself, send me an email. I’ll tell you more and exactly why you are a person of beauty who deserves nothing but pure love!



I Think in Metaphors

I think in metaphors. I always have. Some are pretty original, others, not so much. Tonight, I’m going to be completely unoriginal, but truthful. I took this picture while driving home from my meditation group. It is a picture full of the beauty of another day closing on this earth. The colors are stunning, but you want to know why so gorgeous? Our neighbors to the west, California is experiencing several apocalyptic fires. The smoke is pouring over the mountains causing the contrast in colors.

So tonight, if you feel your life is going up in horrendous flames, please remember that there is beauty out of horror (my unoriginal thought). No matter how bad things seem and that death could even be imminent, the universe has this way of showing us she is still here for us. She lives inside of us. The universe is beautiful, and so are you. You may not realize it yet, but I know it. I found it for me, and I know you will find it for you. The best thing anyone ever said to me was, “Your trauma made you beautiful”.

Keeping it short tonight as I’m about to finish a book that is full of metaphors and a nearly unfinished book is like a hangnail you can’t take off for me.

Stay peaceful in the flames.