(Kind of a difficult post, so just a rainbow from when it rained the other day)
My mom died 12 years ago this week. I can’t remember the exact date, but it was a day of release for me.
My mom was the most horrible person I ever met. We didn’t just have a “difficult” relationship because I was spoiled or didn’t get what I want. My mom taught me that I was horrible and that my pure essence was nothing but evil, which she reinforced as often as she could. My mom wasn’t just someone I disagreed with, she treated me as less than human, forced me to do unimaginably hurtful things, and abused me in every way a human could possibly hurt another, torture you really could say.
I looked for a quote on the internet about daughter’s moving on from being horribly hurt by the first person you are supposed to attach to, but I couldn’t find anything. All that is on the internet is how horrible adult daughters hurt their moms for not appreciating them enough.
My mom did teach me things. She taught me how to hate myself. She taught me that I was worth nothing. She taught me that no one would ever love me. She taught me that I would always be alone, a nothing, not even good enough to be considered dirt.
I overcame a lot of her teachings, and I still continue to work on it as healing from these things is a lifelong process of self examination to discover what the real truth is about myself.
For many years, I thought I was the damaged one. I truly believed that if my own mother didn’t love me, and told me how awful I was and abused me in horrific ways that I must be a truly awful and damaged person and not at all worthy of any love from someone else, let alone myself. I have come to figure out that SHE was the damaged one. She probably came from a long line of traumatic history that she sometimes alluded to as I grew older. She didn’t take the time to self reflect though and figure out how to be a mom that could mold a daughter to be independent and in love with herself and possibilities and feel secure in this world. She just raised a girl who turned into a woman that hated everything about herself and doubted her every move.
This past year has been a huge shift for me in terms of how I relate to me. I’m realizing that I’m loveable and that my trauma isn’t the only aspect to me. It is a huge part of my history, but I know it will NOT be a part of my future. My future is going to be abundant and made by ME for ME and those that support me and are willing to ride along this crazy ride with me.
I AM going to become a success, and I already have in my own eyes. I am loved. I am surrounded by love. The best part, is she is gone. Her body was released from this world 12 years ago this week, and I was released from her abuse. This year I truly embrace the wonder of the creation that I am. This is something she would never recognize.
For those traumatized horribly be a mom figure or your actual mom, you don’t have to love her because “she’s your mom”. That kind of doctrine just led me to more self hate as if I hated my mom and she hated me, then I’m just bad bad bad. I call BS on this. Anyone in your life who is abusive towards you needs to go or some serious boundaries need to be set. If it’s your mom, it will be hard to explain to most people, but I have found a community of women horribly harmed by their mom. We don’t usually go public with it as I have received a lot of scorn for sharing that my mom was not great. I’ve been told to “get over it. She was your mom” and “of course your mom loved you”. I’ve watched friends and others interact with their moms, even through difficult times. I could have dealt with all of that. What my mom did is almost unexplainable.
If your relationship with your mom is hard or perhaps you may even have a ton of resentment towards her, you are not alone. If your mom hurt you in ways that the outside world will never make sense of, you are not alone.
I hope people talk about this issue more as there is a sisterhood of motherless daughters (in the sense they were horrifically hurt by their mother). I don’t necessarily mean you need to go public about it around the water cooler at work, but in small ways, honor your story and please have the courage to say that your mom was not ok.
On a more positive note, mom’s that have suffered childhood trauma and actively work to break the cycle with their own children are my sheroes! I strive to be one of them!
Do your best. But remember, just because she’s your “mom” doesn’t mean she’s your mom.
This was difficult post for me to be honest about. Please email or comment if it struck you. I definitely need reassurance that breaking the silence is the right thing to do!