(An image of my mom filling my head with lies that still govern my life now)
Sorry I’ve disappeared for a bit. Ever since I had those infusions 3 weeks ago, I have been beyond sick and in so much pain that I didn’t even know this amount of suffering was possible.
I’m seen as a pillar of strength to so many and seen as inspirational to a lot, and now that I’ve had to draw some serious boundaries on what I’m capable of doing for others or supporting others, I’m getting a whole lot of nothing in return. So honestly, I’m really bitter. I’m in the worst place possible with my health and it’s a rare day that my phone rings or anyone messages me anymore as I can’t support other people right now. I have a couple, but they are busy with their own lives, and I appreciate what they can do.
It’s the people I spend countless hours helping that I just can’t do it right now that have stopped that make me intensely angry. It makes me angry as all these screwed up ideas that my mom planted in my head get reinforced like, “only happy people deserve love”. I know that’s a bunch of ridiculous BS, but it’s proving true in my life over and over. Yes, I slammed the door on a bunch of toxic people as they couldn’t support me, but why was that? Was it because I became very sick and was no longer “happy”. I was never happy previous to really working on my trauma this past year, but they thought they knew a happy Lizzie. So, maybe it is true. Maybe people have no interest in real connection.
All I know is that I’m alone, in the worst physical pain of my life where I can’t even enjoy reading or writing or doing my art or anything meaningful I’ve managed to create in these four walls.
What I do know, is I’m often curled up as a sobbing little ball of mess as no one apparently cares or at least that is how people are acting. Sorry all, I’m not happy right now and if that’s what’s expected for me to have people around, I’ll choose to be alone.
Going back to sobbing now as I’m in so much pain.