“Sometimes in my tears I drown, but I never let it get me down”

That is not my line, but I wish it was. It is from a song called “one day”. It’s extremely inspirational in a goodness of humanity sort of way.

I haven’t posted in a couple days. This time though, it was because I have been engaging in life!

In one of my recent posts, I talked about getting rid of toxic relationships. I have a bit of a testimonial for you. I absolutely slammed the door on a LOT of toxic people as I really realized they don’t help me, as much as I wish they would, they Do NOT!! They were hurting me so much and causing me a lot of distress and anguish and was crying in sadness and anger constantly. Well, as I said, I slammed that door on a lot of people in many ways literally, and certainly figuratively. Do you want to know what happened?? Abundance. Abundance happened in so many ways it is almost unbelievable for a person who never thought anyone cared or loved me. My nutritionist took me to a yoga class where I’ve made a wonderful connection with a yoga therapist who healed her own health issues with yoga and nutrition. I gave up on therapy pretty much as I couldn’t seem to get out of my house with any regularity to get to an appointment, and the copay is not really affordable in my current budget. Well, a therapist who I highly respect and admire for his authenticity and general encouraging words he’s given me over the extremely short time I’ve known him agreed to see me via skype on a flexible schedule for free! I told him I would compensate when I’m able. A random woman, who I have a lot of admiration for, is going to drive me to my lumbar puncture that I was sure I was going to have to cancel as no one (well no one toxic) would take me. I ended up with a roommate who is going to be very helpful to me with a compassionate heart. A very old friend who I haven’t seen in 20+ years randomly asked to take me to an amazing concert. The absolute best part (as all this isn’t amazing), my physical health feels just the slightest bit better! My emotional health is definitely better. I drowned in tears today, but instead of tears of intense sadness and anger, they were tears of joy over the abundance that is presenting itself to me.

That is my testimonial. I know it doesn’t make any sense except if you open yourself to love and leave the hate behind, it comes. My heart for the first time feels extremely abundant as I don’t feel alone. I have been surrounded by so many people my entire life, but my loneliness was extreme. The people I was surrounded by didn’t really love me. I didn’t really love me. I am beginning ever so slowly in everyday in every way to love something different about myself.

I will leave you with how an abundant heart that is open to love is changing me. I took my son swimming today. The pool had a diving board. I have always been completely terrified of diving head first off a diving board. Today, I did it, several times, and it was pure joy! I even got to teach my son how to do it! It was fun, and I wasn’t afraid. It’s not quite so scary when you’re not alone.

I encourage you all to dive head first into the pool as you leave fear and hatred behind and make a path to allowing people to know your beautiful soul.

Love

Lizzie

Love is Abundant, if you look in the right place

(I keep this scarf hanging on my bedroom door to remind myself that I not only need to have love for myself, but others genuinely love me too)

When I would go to sleep at night, my mom would tuck me in and always remind me “no one could ever love a person like you”. I have lived my life based on this principle of being completely unloveable. When I thought I would find love, it wasn’t true. The love I had found was based on conditions and me doing everything for them and nothing for me. No one has ever really loved me, until I started to find some love for myself.

It didn’t happen suddenly. I would find myself beginning to question those negative core beliefs. It started with really listening to compliments people gave me. I figure if someone is giving me a compliment, they are giving me a gift of themselves. I needed to take it, not negate it. So my love for myself began with taking in compliments from people, who were usually strangers as I didn’t really believe the people who “loved” me. Their compliments were based on conditions.

I then started to engage in some things I used to think were complete BS, and a lot of you may think they are too. I got really involved in my yoga practice. Yoga is really about self love for me. It is about loving that my body can move and that I have a body and yoga is about connection to myself. I know it’s super trendy right now to talk about yoga, but when I did my yoga practice consistently 20 years ago, I found I had much more inner peace then too. I dropped out of it for several reasons that aren’t important to discuss now. Anyway, these past 7 months, I’ve really gotten back into it. I can’t even do the physical part so much with my illnesses, but the connection with myself and going inside to find peace is what I practice everyday.

The next thing I really got into was aromatherapy (another thing many think is BS), but when you are breathing in something strong smelling, it makes you BREATHE!! Breathing leads to calm and different oils have different benefits. I mostly use a sleep blend and a calming blend. They genuinely help. I had a friend tell me that “her problems were way TOO BIG to be cured with yoga and aromatherapy”. I will say, mine are too, but they are tools I can use to help me when I get scared or anxious or alone. It won’t cure your trauma or make you feel like the world is a shiny, happy, place, but it can help you get to a place of peace and knowledge that the authentic person you are inside is good and worthy of being treated well.

As I leave behind the people who didn’t really love me, doors for new, true, authentic love are opening. I hope you all stop looking for love in places you will never find it. It leads to extreme pain and grief. Leaving old, toxic relationships is painful too, but there will be healing from that. If you continue to engage in toxicity, you will never heal as you are always doing battle.

If you feel you have no one that loves you or have no love for yourself, send me an email. I’ll tell you more and exactly why you are a person of beauty who deserves nothing but pure love!

Love

Lizzie

I Think in Metaphors

I think in metaphors. I always have. Some are pretty original, others, not so much. Tonight, I’m going to be completely unoriginal, but truthful. I took this picture while driving home from my meditation group. It is a picture full of the beauty of another day closing on this earth. The colors are stunning, but you want to know why so gorgeous? Our neighbors to the west, California is experiencing several apocalyptic fires. The smoke is pouring over the mountains causing the contrast in colors.

So tonight, if you feel your life is going up in horrendous flames, please remember that there is beauty out of horror (my unoriginal thought). No matter how bad things seem and that death could even be imminent, the universe has this way of showing us she is still here for us. She lives inside of us. The universe is beautiful, and so are you. You may not realize it yet, but I know it. I found it for me, and I know you will find it for you. The best thing anyone ever said to me was, “Your trauma made you beautiful”.

Keeping it short tonight as I’m about to finish a book that is full of metaphors and a nearly unfinished book is like a hangnail you can’t take off for me.

Stay peaceful in the flames.

Love

Lizzie

“Life’s not Perfect”

(A friend took this picture in Wyoming. I will say baby bears ARE perfect)

“Life’s not perfect” was my mom’s reply to everything that I felt ever went wrong. It used to make me so mad as I found myself having this pervasive need to achieve perfection. If I achieved perfection, everything about me and my life would be amazing and wonderful, right? WRONG!!! Perfection isn’t achievable, and it’s frankly completely boring, yet so many people I know search for perfection or try to portray perfection. I know I did. I wanted everyone to know that my life was perfect. I had perfect clothes, a perfect house, a perfect car, a perfect child…. None of it was perfect in anyway, and reality was, the more perfect I tried to make it, the more miserable I was. I was drowning in debt for having to have perfect things, I hated my body as I couldn’t make it perfect no matter how much I starved myself, jumped on a fad diet, etc., and I began to resent my child and even fear him as he was so imperfect. It all made me feel like one HUGE failure.

Let’s fast forward to now. I find people who portray perfection or live perfection complete phonies. It’s simply not possible. I have “friends” on facebook who make their lives look so fabulous on every level, but I also know some truth behind those posts. My friend may be standing in a different foreign country on a fantastic vacation often, but what she doesn’t tell you is her intense struggle with depression. Or my friend who has a “perfect” family, but her husband regularly cheats on her. Or my friend that just relapsed on heroine, but her face is smiley and gorgeous for facebook and most everyone in all these people’s lives. I get you don’t discuss your struggles with every person you meet, but at least be real that you do. Since I’ve started telling people that I have been seriously struggling with so much, people have been cruel, BUT people have also been intensely amazing. People appreciate my honesty, and I’m receiving so much help from people I never would have imagined had I stayed quiet and silent and pretended things were perfect.

This evening, I went to my gym to swim laps. I went and sat in the spa after and this woman and I struck up a conversation. It turns out, she struggles with so much of what I do. She has autoimmune issues, and chronic pain, and weight issues, and emotional struggles, and as she stood there and talked to me for over an hour and a half, I kept looking at this imperfect being and so in awed and honored that I got to meet her and that she was so real. Her real ness and rawness and authenticity were what made her so perfect!

When I was in trauma treatment, I came up with a quote, “There is perfection in imperfection”. It is true on every level.

Today, I challenge you to not portray perfection. Tell someone you are struggling, or perhaps be there in an authentic way for someone else. Our connection as imperfect humans is what will ultimately lead to great perfection!

Love

Lizzie

I Allowed My Heart to Close

(The real truth of who I am. The Lumieres, or “light” are the parts of myself that know I am good and pure no matter what I’ve been told or what has happened to me)

Sorry it’s been a few days since I posted. I allowed my heart to close and with that I closed off everything that was important to me, including this blog and the vision I have for it.

You see, I used to have a lot of people in my life who I called “chosen” family. One of these chosen family members sent me a very nasty text message essentially telling me I only use people to get what I want, I’m selfish, and no one really cares that I’m chronically ill. It hurt me REALLY bad, which I think was her goal. At the same moment, I was trying to remind myself that it didn’t matter and someone so cruel doesn’t even deserve to know me anyway. This was a woman that I used to write heartfelt Mother’s Day cards to. The funny thing is, she was acting strangely similar to my own cruel mom. I wanted to yell back at her that she didn’t know the truth of me and that she was cruel and mean and so many other things, but I knew it wasn’t worth it. I’ve dealt with enough narcissists in my life to know they don’t listen.

At the same time this “chosen” family member was berating me, another true friend was leaving me a voicemail saying I was amazing and inspirational. Thank goodness for her and especially her timing! We ended up having an amazing lovely and authentic conversation that lifted me up.

Even with my great conversation, something about being berated by a “chosen” mom had caused my heart to close up. There are a ton more people who know the truth of who I am over the few that choose to cause me so much grief, but for some reason I was subconsciously letting this cruel person who was resembling my biological mother win.

As the universe provides for me, I was able to go to my group last night, which is a hybrid of spirituality and psychotherapy. All the women had super charged negativity in their hearts. I was able to engage in this exercise where I could yell at my cruel chosen family member, and be sad for what I’ll never get, and reaffirm who I truly am, which is a pure, gentle spirit that genuinely cares about others. The exercise was hard, but my heart started to feel less constricted and the intense sadness began to lift. It was obviously helpful enough that I could post today!

Thank you to all that participate in the circle of being, especially last night. I was once again exactly where I needed to be to do what I needed to do to continue to work on my authenticity.

One of the women said something to me last night that I want to share with you. If you are having trouble with your relationships, but find something changing inside yourself, she said, “when you change, your friends change”. I love it! It’s simple and easy to remember and just may write it all over my house. My loss of friendships means I making real change in myself. Go ME!! Congratulations to me and goodbye to all my relationships of the past!!

So tonight, try to look at your loss from a place of peace with yourself that you are making changes to better yourself.

Anyone have a comment or story to share about losing people? I would REALLY like to hear it!!!!

Love

Lizzie

Just A Day

I’m grateful today is just a day. It started off not so nice as I physically felt horrible, but I rested my body, made it to an appointment, and back home again!

On my way home, I stopped at my apartment office to pick up a couple packages there. There is this one guy who works in the office who I always immensely enjoying talking to. He’s very smart and always manages to make me laugh, even on days I’m feeling my worst. My interactions with him have made me realize that people are put in our lives for different purposes. Some people, we are meant to have deep, meaningful connection with, some people we smile at because they are our neighbors, and then there are some people who just are. This guy in my apartment office happens to be one of those. We don’t have a connection through trauma or anything deep, just two humans who like to laugh about pretty ridiculous things.

I usually avoid people as they make me feel awkward and unwelcome, but I’m realizing ALL people, whether deeply hurting, or just making it through a day working in a leasing office at an apartment complex, need connection. We all need to feel as though we are visible and seen and heard.

Thank you to all my friends who I have deep connections with due to trauma and the new ones I’m going to make through this blog. Today though, I especially want to thank people who appreciate me just because. I’m appreciated just because I’m a human who walks this earth. I’m appreciated because it’s just a day and we are all just trying to get by.

Love

Lizzie

PS. R—no trolling my blog!! Smiles*

Just Can’t Today

(At least my Wonder Woman socks make me kind of happy. Perfect for throwing my childish tantrum.)

I can’t be positive everyday. I just can’t. I am dealing with some really difficult issues in regards to finances, housing, health, and the relationship with my son. Living on a disability income is harder than hard and I’ve been creative and good about asking for help. My problem is with all my health issues, I have hundreds of dollars in doctor’s bills piling up. If I don’t pay them, the doctors won’t see me. I don’t know where this magical money is going to come from and no one seems to have any ideas how to figure any of the complexities of my life out.

I am horrible at asking for help, but I have managed to ask and ask and ask for help with so much of what I’ve been dealing with these past 6 months since leaving my abusive family. The answer I always get is a “I’m sorry. It’s hard.” Yeah, no kidding it’s hard!! That is why I’m asking for help. I get my situation is impossible on many levels, but HELP!!!! No one seems to be able to though. If one more person tells me they “know it’s hard”, I may throw a tantrum. No one knows how hard it is unless you are living it. I know people following my blog are probably dealing with similar impossible situations. I want to scream and cry and act like a little child so someone will notice that I’m hurting, scared, alone, and so broke. I don’t know how I’m going to make it?? My health isn’t getting better, and I’m not going to be able to afford to go to the doctors that can help me soon. I decided to give up on my occupational therapy for my broken hands as I can’t afford the copay for twice a week sessions. I’m supposed to go to physical therapy for my back. Well, that won’t be happening either. I have to deal with the truly serious complications to my life and just live with chronic pain. I don’t mean to be whiny, it’s just one of those days.

I’m going to allow myself to feel bad and miserable about my life for 1 hour. After that, I’m going to do something I like, something positive to change my mindset. I believe I deserve an hour of misery and the opportunity to grieve what I can’t fix. I believe I can throw a tantrum for an hour. No one will see it. No one will recognize my pain, but just sharing with all of you how totally lost I am today has helped a small bit.

Anyone else feeling completely miserable today??

Love

Lizzie