What the heck happened to me?

(No reason for this picture. I just took it as I was driving yesterday evening and reminded me of how lovely it is to go outside and be inspired by something that happens everyday like the rise of the moon)

I have realized that I have doled out a whole lot of advice about living well and with peace, and I haven’t been following my own advice. Time for me to own up to my true feelings and admit what’s been happening this past month.

My natural state is to be positive and optimistic and do whatever I can to help myself remain that way even in the worst of circumstances. Well, I found myself in a circumstance that I just couldn’t help myself out of. I had 2 infusions of solumedrol about 5 weeks ago. It’s a very potent steroid that has numerous nasty side effects. I found myself very sick after these two infusions. My right side of my body went numb, my head throbbed 24/7, and my already crazy immune system had become compromised leaving me with the worst infection that 2 rounds of antibiotics wouldn’t touch. With being so sick, I couldn’t do much. I couldn’t read, I couldn’t write, and definitely no art. The worst part was that I was so contagious that no one could come over for a few weeks.

Let’s just say this was a recipe for disaster. As no one could come over, I started to lose myself in the thoughts that no one cared about me at all. Keep in mind, people were calling and texting, but I was sure the world had forgotten all about me. I still have this deep desire for people who will never give me love or caring to give it to me. So, I fell down that horrible hole of depression. It became so bad that I had decided that absolutely no one cared, and I came up with a suicide plan that I was going to do yesterday. I’m still here!!

I will tell you, I’m not exactly sure what changed my mindset or even got me through the hump, but sometimes all I can think is divine intervention. With all of this going on, I realized that I am only identifying as a trauma survivor and a sick person. I told all of you to get out and live life the way YOU want to and do the things that make YOU happy, while I stayed in my bed in total misery forgetting that I am a human too with many facets, and not just a diagnosis.

I started antivirals for my chronic Epstein Barr virus that the nurse practitioner at my neurologist’s office began to take seriously. I am actually beginning to feel a tiny bit better with some energy, which is a precious treasure in my life.

Best of all, I am going to do something that brings me peace and makes ME happy. I am taking a trip Wednesday very far away to a place where the entire culture embraces taking the middle path and living the spirit of the Tao. I am nervous and excited and scared and elated all at the same time. A very dear therapist once gave me the advice to feel all the feelings. That’s what I’m trying to do. I am excited to be in a country where smiling at others and holding doors open and courtesy, human connection, and centeredness are values shared by much of the population. Pretty different from the US I would say.

So, I’m taking my own advice and living without regret. I hope my trip goes well and that traveling is smooth and I reconnect with myself and the values of my worth as more than what the little I’ve allowed myself, especially these past few weeks.

My trip is huge, but I encourage everyone to do something to connect with your true nature and being and essence as we are more than what we believe ourselves to be. If you take the time to read my blog, I know you are beings of light and love and needed and wanted and loved. Remember it in those dark times. I wish I would’ve listened to others telling me this these past few weeks. Lesson learned. Listen to those who have your true nature in mind and genuinely love you.



(PS I’ll let you know where I’m at when I get there. I don’t want to jinx any of it now!)

Replace Misery with Joy

This is a bit of a piggy back on my last post, but I feel the topic is important considering how many people I know that are needlessly suffering.

So, if you suffer from PTSD or complex PTSD, or have just had a lot of bad events in your life, you are probably still torturing yourself with the past. I would like to offer an alternative.

When I got really sick and realized my life had changed completely, I realized that I was absolutely done with being in emotional turmoil all the time. I wanted to live a joyous life, the best I could, given my circumstances. Do I still get bouts of depression, of course. The big switch for me is that I was tormented by my family pretty much my entire life until a year ago when I decided to leave them behind and start over alone. They had caused me so much grief in the way of horrible depression, anxiety, too many suicide attempts to count, and countless hospitalizations in psych hospitals. That is no way to live. The sad thing is, many of my friends who deal with what I’ve dealt with in my past are continuing to live this way.

Here’s an insight: YOU DON’T HAVE TO!!!!! You are in charge. If you are still actively engaged with an abusive person, get away and quick. Your life will significantly change for the better. You will find yourself more calm, and best of all, you can begin to heal your emotional life.

I can only say this from very personal experience. I know getting away from abusive people is extremely difficult as maybe they financially support you or you feel you absolutely need them. There are ways around this, and with a good plan, you can have freedom, which will result in joy.

If you live in a totally safe situation free of abuse, please treat yourself well, and pat yourself on the back for making a safe life. Don’t torture yourself with anxiety, self doubt, believing the inner critic, or feeling suicidal. You are safe. You made it. Work on cultivating joy instead of self hatred.

Let’s face it, we have all been hating ourselves for far too long. It still rears its ugly head in my life, but I am actively cultivating a life that is joyous and abundant. If I can do it being bed bound, in a ton of physical pain, facing brain surgery, you can do it too.

Please do it. The best, most wonderful people are suffering. Don’t you have just a small spark inside of something you’ve always wanted to do that you could begin today to make your life worth living and joyous? I know I do.



Learn a Lesson From Me

(This picture was taken just days before I had gotten sick this time around. My son and I had enjoyed natural hot springs and taken a hike. I felt really free. I had no idea what was coming. Late January 2018)

I wrote this text today to a very dear friend who suffers from PTSD and debilitating anxiety. She is very young and a bit of a “project” for me. A project in the sense that I want her to have healing from what ails her much sooner than I did at 41. I love her like a daughter and consider her a bear cub of mine. I shortened her name to just “R” so not to out her identity. So, R, this whole post is dedicated to you and your healing journey and to all others who are working hard at making good lives for themselves. Please learn from my mistake. The text follows:

“R, please learn a lesson from me. If there’s something you want to do, do it no matter how bad your anxiety or PTSD symptoms are. There may just come a day that all the amazing things you want to do are suddenly ripped from you and the only places and things you can do are in your imagination. Live life R. Do the crazy, fun things you want. I hope you never end up disabled as I’m not only disabled, but full of regrets for the inhibitions my anxiety and depression caused me for years. If I wasn’t so scared, I could have had a life I could be looking back on fulfilled knowing I did what I wanted. Conquer your anxiety! And just live! As I can’t do much of anything.”

Please take this message to heart everyone. A very special therapist once said to me “feel the fear and do it anyway”. I wish I would have followed her advice before I became so sick. My fellow warriors in struggling, do your best to make your life what YOU want and do the things your heart desires. Please, if you have an able body, get out of bed or off the couch that anxiety is telling you that you need to stay in to be safe. Safety is being good to yourself, continuing on despite adversity, and having peace in your heart.

I challenge everyone to do one thing, no matter how small to make your own life just a little bit better and to show anxiety or depression that YOU are in charge. I think I’ll start with painting again tomorrow. What will you do?



A Huge Pile of Mess

(An image of my mom filling my head with lies that still govern my life now)

Sorry I’ve disappeared for a bit. Ever since I had those infusions 3 weeks ago, I have been beyond sick and in so much pain that I didn’t even know this amount of suffering was possible.

I’m seen as a pillar of strength to so many and seen as inspirational to a lot, and now that I’ve had to draw some serious boundaries on what I’m capable of doing for others or supporting others, I’m getting a whole lot of nothing in return. So honestly, I’m really bitter. I’m in the worst place possible with my health and it’s a rare day that my phone rings or anyone messages me anymore as I can’t support other people right now. I have a couple, but they are busy with their own lives, and I appreciate what they can do.

It’s the people I spend countless hours helping that I just can’t do it right now that have stopped that make me intensely angry. It makes me angry as all these screwed up ideas that my mom planted in my head get reinforced like, “only happy people deserve love”. I know that’s a bunch of ridiculous BS, but it’s proving true in my life over and over. Yes, I slammed the door on a bunch of toxic people as they couldn’t support me, but why was that? Was it because I became very sick and was no longer “happy”. I was never happy previous to really working on my trauma this past year, but they thought they knew a happy Lizzie. So, maybe it is true. Maybe people have no interest in real connection.

All I know is that I’m alone, in the worst physical pain of my life where I can’t even enjoy reading or writing or doing my art or anything meaningful I’ve managed to create in these four walls.

What I do know, is I’m often curled up as a sobbing little ball of mess as no one apparently cares or at least that is how people are acting. Sorry all, I’m not happy right now and if that’s what’s expected for me to have people around, I’ll choose to be alone.

Going back to sobbing now as I’m in so much pain.



The Joys of Illness

(Feeing sick, but content and peaceful)

I will say there is a certain amount of joy in being chronically ill as well as having complex PTSD. You probably wonder how I could ever find joy. Becoming so horribly and chronically ill has snapped me out of so many of my distortions of living that complex PTSD had forced upon me. For example, my perfectionism got thrown right out the window with chronic illness. When you barely have energy to shower, there is definitely no energy to put on a pretty face and make perfect hair. I like it as I don’t feel like it most of the time anyway!

It also snapped me out of black and white thinking and into a place of taking the middle road. There are no absolutes in life when chronically ill. In fact, the middle road is a the best and most peaceful place.

Chronic illness also taught me that I just don’t care. I care deeply about certain people of course, but I dropped so many people in my life as I realized they just dragged me down and I really don’t care about any of their drama anymore.

I’ve also become “selfish”. I am selfish with my time and energy as there is so little of it left that I get to choose how I use it and who I spend it with. This usually means it is devoted to only the most special people in my life and activities that I want to engage in.

Best part of all?? Retired at 40!!

Anyone find they are breaking old patterns for any reasons?



Who Knows You’re Strong

This picture is from a few days ago when I had just started to receive infusion treatments for autoimmune issues that are pretty serious and was told this was going to truly help. I was full of so much hope that I was going to get some energy back, a bit of vitality, and even get in a hike before the snow falls on the Pacific Crest Trail.

A few hours, post infusion, I was sicker than sick. I managed to get in for my second one, and was literally crying as I left the infusion center as I was in so much pain. I skipped the third and have been trying to lay low with a cluster of symptoms that are making me feel horrendous. I found myself getting extremely heartbroken and disillusioned that I will never feel well. I had to put a big old STOP to that! As the truth is, I have a life. It might not be the life I had envisioned for me, but a life nonetheless. My mind is mentally stronger than it ever has been. I genuinely have more hope than ever, and the best part is, I am surrounded by good people, as long as I don’t push them away. So no, my life isn’t ideal for pretty much anyone, but yes, my life is ideal for me. It’s slow. It has time to reflect. It is full of time to rest. It is full of time for me. I dream of hiking the mountains I can see from my window. I yearn to swim in ice cold clear mountain lakes miles from my house. For now, I have to stay put. I can go to those places in my head and see them from when I went before. I can write about those experiences and relive them when I read what I wrote.

So this post may not be so much about trauma or complex PTSD, but it is proof that even under the most adversary of circumstances, life is there.

Remember that people around you admire your courage no matter how much you think it doesn’t show. My 11 year old son looked at me today and said, “Mom, you are the strongest person I know”. In my mind, I thought he was just disappointed in me for never being able to do much as I’m just too sick. His “strength” was about my character and made me realize that even if I become the most horribly, physically weak person on the planet, I am still strong. I am strong because I choose to do well with my life despite so much set back.

Who knows you are strong? Do you know you are strong?